This is a brief irrational rant.
I am very unhappy with BFD for very stupid reasons, so I am trying to work my way through my issues before I explode and say something (more) hurtful.
Overwhelmingly, BFD is demonstrating that we are in a close relationship, that he is happy, and that he is enjoying his life here and with me. But he also does or says little things that infuriate me because they demonstrate that he does not pay attention to me.
So, I am conflicted.
Obviously, we have had a breakthrough in our relationship in his mind. He is so comfortable, so happy, so willing to incorporate me into even tiny decisions that have nothing to do with me. We are spending a lot of time together.
However, I feel a bit disconnected from him, but I don’t know why. It doesn’t feel real or rational, it feels almost wickedly hormonal. My fuse is short and I have become quick to anger.
I mentioned last night that my brother and his gf (B and S) are heading overseas for a month for vacation. I called them by name, and he said, I don’t know who B and S are. This made me mad. Almost seven months, and you don’t know who B and S are when I call them by name, but you assume I know the name of your favorite sushi chef. Really, BFD?
I know the names of your siblings and nieces and nephews. I know who your friends are, but you have a mental block when it comes to my brother and his long-time girlfriend?
Infuriating.
Then, the sex thing. We did not have sex last night. I know I should be happy that he wants to hang out with me and have dinner, even on nights when he’s not interesting in sex, but it just made me mad.
Obviously, our relationship is about more than sex. Plus, he is a man past his sexual peak. He is also in enough pain that he canceled on me on Saturday to take meds and he was going to take them again last night, so he is clearly still hurting.
But I was irrationally angry and disappointed. I said something particularly shitty and hurtful, which he did not process. I called him after I arrived home to apologize and he said, I have no idea what you’re talking about so why don’t you just take the political route and not say anything.
I emailed him late to reaffirm that hey, it was great to see you, etc., but I still feel bad about the whole thing. Plus, I am still irrationally angry.
Last night, he stood in his kitchen and told me how much more relaxed he is since he has been in town for a month. He told me about all of the workout progress he is making, etc. He is telling me how happy he is to be staying put, and all I can think is “why aren’t we having sex? Did I do something wrong? Why aren’t we connecting?”
But I know this is insane, and yet, I am angry.
I think I need more sleep.
