I have put on 5 pounds over my OMG upper limit of 118.
It’s not noticeable to most people — I look a little younger, a little more womanly, my ass is more impressive. Everyone thinks I look better. Seriously. The jump from 113 to 118 to 123 has left people thinking, wow, you look good. To them, I still look thin, but not really skinny.
I have put on the weight by being on vacation, by being ill, by being very bloated, and by experimenting. I know what I am doing. In part, I have intentionally gained weight to see how it feels. Now that I have done it, I have decided to drop back down, although I have not decided how far.
It started with BFD . . . he insisted on my eating and eating and eating. He’s never commented on my weight directly. Instead, he comments on my eating. How I know this is actually about my weight: I eat in front of him all the time. I eat a lot. I never hold back in eating with him. Still, he pushes me to eat. He brings me calorie-laden things. He insists we eat when I’ve already eaten. For him, it’s about my weight. He was horrified when I told him I’d lost 8 pounds since we’d been dating, dropping from an obviously attractive 122 to at lowest 111, but mainly 113-115. It became obvious when, on our last date, he insisted I drink a smoothie he’d made (even directing me back to it post-sex) and then insisted we go to a late dinner. He was hungry, obviously, but his insistence was intentional.
BFD is in fabulous shape. A little heavier than when we met — he was in hardcore training mode before his season started — but he has an amazing body for someone in his 30s. And he’s in his 40s. Being with him puts pressure on me to be thin. In my own head, only.
But I got too thin. I mean, I know I got too thin.
So, I have put on a little weight. My belly is rounder, my hips are wider, my face is fuller. I am speaking about this as though I am some gargantua, but I am swanning around town in size 4 sheath dresses, pencil skirts, and miniskirts. I just bought a ton of new clothing — all 4s — and I look great in size 4 ready-to-wear and mall staples like br/ann taylor/j crew. I wore a miniskirt tonight, and every time I walked through a restaurant (and I was in 3), I turned almost every head. I look sexier with curves. But, I don’t like how I look.
I prefer being skinnier. I like being really thin.
I am debating with myself how far to go. I have decided to drop down until 118, at a minimum.
The problem, of course, is that I have body image problems and I have no idea whatsoever how I look. To me, everyone in the world looks a little pudgy. BFD, who works out 1-3 hours a day 6 days a week, looks a little chunky at times. (He’s not.) Girls who I know are considered thin look big. Women I know are considered sexy as hell look fat to me. They aren’t, any of them, but I can’t make sense of what I see.
I am not certain what I will do ultimately, but for now, I am going back on the plan. I am softer than I want to be. I will be paying attention and considering at every step just how far to go.
I tell my friends that I have an eating disorder, even though I not particularly fat or particularly thin. I just have an unhealthy relationship with food.
I am trying to tell myself that at least I am healthy and fit, even though my underwear is starting to give me a permanent wedgie cos it is getting too small.
If only I had self discipline
ps: you could always take an anonymous pic and let the judgmental masses let you know which look is good for you.
My very judgmental friends and family have all told me that this is the better look for me (or a few pounds heavier). They have appealed to my vanity (you look younger/hotter/etc.), my brain (this is a healthier weight for you), etc.
My two most recent exes prefer me slightly heavier than this, claiming that is my “best” weight. They noted it at the time and reminded me regularly as I lost 15 pounds from there. BFD has been not so subtly encouraging me to gain weight.
I am conflicted. I look good now, but I like being really thin. It’s all disordered because even at 128, I would be considered on the thin side of normal by almost everyone. I tell myself that the social pressure to be very thin is absurd, that being mistaken for a tv actress is not good (and something that happens more often at this weight than thinner), and being a socialite, photographing well, is not as important as looking healthy in real life.
So, logically, it’s fine. I look good, whatever, but right now, inside my own skin, I feel fat. In pictures, I have just exceeded what I think is attractive and for the first time in 8 months failed to post a picture of myself because I looked too fat.
I know I am not, but I feel that I am.
Yay, disordered thinking!
[...] 26, 2009 by The Planner Five days ago, I was concerned because my weight had crept up 5 pounds over my freakout limit of 118. (My weight had been over 118 for 14 days total while I [...]