I have not yet unpacked my feelings about what he said or figured out what he meant.
Whenever it comes to BFD, I am wildly insecure. I am incapable of telling him how I feel for fear of rejection, I am incapable of telling him what I want because I am not certain how open he is to moving to a new stage (with me or in general). I still feel unworthy because I have been dependent upon him and, though I am no longer financially dependent upon him, I am not exactly independent either.
I don’t owe him money, but I also cannot suggest to him that we join his parents during part of their 6 month sabbatical to his ancestral homeland because I cannot afford it. He does not want to go. He does not speak the language, but looks as though he does, obviously, so it’s frustrating for him.
Late last night, I called him with a suggestion regarding his car and his contract. He answered, which was amazing, and said, hey, let me call you right back. He did, within a minute. I outlined my thought — I had already separated myself from the car and was giving him some negotiating advice. He replied back that the first scenario wouldn’t work, but the second might, except . . . he was no longer sure how long he was staying in the state so he did not want to make any decisions about the future until he had some clarity on the business.
Right.
BFD does not need to work, which seems like a silly thing to aver all the time, but it informs his business thinking and his life decisions. If it gets too annoying, he can just wrap it up and move on. He knows he wants to move to a different region that fits better with his sports activity, and he feels that while there is chaos thanks to his business partners, he cannot make any decisions about anything. He does not need the money [and doing it for a small fortune is far less interesting than fulfilling his original plan, which would double or triple his wealth].
I said to him, essentially, “this is all so stressful. Even though I am adjacent to what’s happening, I understand what you’re dealing with.”
BFD responded, “You see it, you’re at the nexus of everything. You have a better vantage than anyone because you are in the middle and get to see both sides.” He told me you know, I am looking at other deals other places [in the region to which he want to move]: “I get to see a lot of things. I am kind of a big deal . . .”
I corrected him to say, I meant adjacent because I am dating you. He said, oh, right.
In the conversation, he expressed his frustrations about having his “life on hold” while he’s here and maybe he just wants to leave and get his life started.
Ouch.
He told me again he has no interest in having a life here. That’s understandable. I do not have an interest in remaining here either, which I’ve not said to him with any authority or import.
What has me confused is this: he certainly views me as part of his life in the region where his business is located. If his business goes sideways and he decides to retire again, he is leaving. I assume, and I did not ask, that means he’s leaving me, too. His comment about his life being on hold, meaning, I assume, settling down and having children, hurts.
I am an important part of his life, but I am afraid he has compartmentalized me and us into the shakiest part of his life. Yes, it’s all-consuming for him, but at any time he could walk away.
Because I am not stable, I fear I am not even a part of his internal conversation about the future. I don’t know that, but I feel that.
If I could be stable, then he could think about it, but I am not. I can make no decisions. I am just here, adjacent to what’s happening . . . at the nexus of his business life. I am working with him and the working part is perhaps more important to him than the dating part. That’s a new position for me to be in, and it does mean I am important to him, but it’s separate from his post-business future.
I mean, I could be wrong and just taking his words as he is stressed and thinking about all he must accomplish this week as gospel when he’s just expressing frustration and not thinking about me or us. He’s frustrated and angry and stressed and his plans have gone sideways.
I still don’t know what any of it means. And I literally cannot think about it because there is so much going on. What I do know is that he said he considers his “life” to be “on hold” while he’s here.
That can’t be good.
