Weight: 119.0, down 0.8 pound.

Morning frittata:  1 egg, 1 egg white, .5 tbs of olive oil, .5 tbs of heavy cream, .25 oz  cow feta (I should not have skipped the good stuff, no matter that this was 1/4 the price on sale at WF).

Lunch: 1/2 beef philly sausage, 2 oz organic broccoli florets, 1 oz fresh mozzerella.

Snack: 2 tbs black pepper cashews.

Snack: 1 oz fresh mozzerella.

Dinner: 3.0 oz 85% ground chuck, 2 oz organic baby greens, 1 tbs balsamic vinaigrette (1 tbs olive oil, 1 tsp balsamic, herbs, sea salt).

Snack: 1 tbs walnuts

Snack: 1 tbs walnuts and 2/3 cup kefir smoothie 1/2 frozen cranberries, 1/4 frozen blueberries, with 1/2 tsp cinnamon.

Well, it’s not a big lie.  It’s what I think I can do in 2 weeks.  Four pounds in 2 weeks, which would drop me from 119.8 to 115.8, which is my perfect mid-point.

It’s not my real goal though.  My real goal: 113.

There, I said it.  I don’t know that it’s reasonable, since I am starting to work out, but I want to be back at my 113 size (if not weight), steadily, by mid-September.

My birthday is in 2 weeks, so I know I will be a little off my plan then.  Aside from that, I am sticking to the no liquor, no wasted carbs (no tater tots or waffle fries or dessert while eating out) plan.  Even now, I don’t eat a lot of that stuff, but I indulge when I want, which is why I put on 2 pounds over my preferred range.  The last six weeks have been filled with cocktail parties and new restaurants and pizza and the occasional chocolate peanut butter pie, so I am doing this two week thing now, so I can go back to balancing my indulgences with my life, without maybe indulging so often.

This morning, I was down 0.8, with a drop in body fat, too.

Starting weight: 119.8.

Morning frittata:  1 egg, 1 egg white, 1 tbs of olive oil, 1 tbs of heavy cream, .3 oz  fresh mozzerella.

Snacks:  3 tbs black pepper cashews.

Lunch: 1/2 jalapeno and cheddar sausage, 1/2 tbs red wine vinaigrette, 2 oz organic baby greens.

Snack: 2 tbs black pepper cashews.

Snack: 1 oz fresh mozzerella.

Dinner: 2.5 oz bison, 1 oz fresh mozzerella, 2 oz organic baby greens, 1 tbs balsamic vinaigrette (1 tbs olive oil, 1 tsp balsamic, herbs, sea salt).

Snack: 1 tbs walnuts

Snack: 1 tbs walnuts and 2/3 cup kefir with 1/2 tsp cinnamon.

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Still have pms, so I cannot stop eating.

There are only three changes to my normal plan:  (1) I am not eating my nightly mini-fruit smoothie or my carrots and hummus snack; (2) I ate slightly better for lunch than usual — making a salad rather than just eating protein, mainly because I knew I was writing this all down; and I added in a cheese snack, instead of just nuts.

I have decided to get serious about dropping 3-4 pounds over the next two weeks.

That sounds absurd, but I drop weight fairly quickly if I step back into a hardcore induction.  I have watched my weight slide up to 119-120 over the past two months of eating and drinking as I wish, which is still not far beyond, but I do have cocktails (always hold the added sugar) and the occasional pizza or dessert.  I know much of it is extra water from all those restaurant meals, so it will come off fast.

Yes, I am only one pound over my upper limit now, but I want to get back down to 115 so that when I float up, I float up to 118, not up to 120 or higher.

So, I am giving up liquor, watching my sodium, and concentrating on eating at home.  I am trying to get motivated to exercise, which joining BFD’s workout thing this week should kick-start.  I still have foot pain, so I am not back on the trail, but there is a lot I can do.

I will admit that I just saw a pic of myself with K and with W’s on/off and I was the thinnest in the picture.  I noticed when K and I tried on the same exact dresses that I was much thinner than she.  The difficulty is that they’re both shorter than I and are considered very petite girls.  But, I am not happy at 119-120.  I need to shift down just a little and begin to get into shape.

I had delayed the diet when I freaked out and new the disordered thinking was back in play.  Now, I feel in control of it, so the diet can begin again.

Okay, so I have lost almost 8 pounds in 3 days . . . mostly water, but it happened because I went back on my plan.

Everyone’s body chemistry is different, but for me, the easiest way to lose weight is to cut carbs and stop drinking wine.

I do monitor my calories closely, but I snack on cheese and nuts.  Everything is scaled smaller and portion control is key.  It’s not easy . . . it’s never easy . . . but my body responds well to a very specific way of eating.

Part of the difficulty in dieting is a feeling of deprivation.  I had to retrain my tastebuds and now I prefer tart to sweet. I used to crave sugar — I had eaten a half bag of oreos in a single sitting and often snuck to the market to replace the ex’s ice cream or cookies.  Now, I can have cookies here without temptation or have one and not a package.  BFD keeps a dish of hershey’s miniatures two feet from my seat on the sofa and I’ve never indulged.

I was also a stress eater.  My life is no less stressful.  If anything, the past year has been more stressful, but now I rarely feel that urge.  If I do, it’s usually tied to pms, so I eat nuts by the tablespoon.  Even if I overindulge on an extra hundred calories of almonds, so what?

Ulitmately, long term maintenance is about balance.  I’ve been at (or below) my goal for more than a year.  I dropped from a tight 12 to a 2/4.  I indulge, I had a vacation week where at least one meal a day was something absurd: high tea with tarts and scones and cucumber sandwiches, a food and wine pairing, a pound of pork ribs, etc.  Now that vacation is over, I am back to eating normally and the weight is coming off.  I eat more carbs from vegetables, fruit, and dairy when I am in active weight loss (I snack on hummus and baby carrots, and I make a .5 c or .67 c kefir smoothie for dessert).  I eat bread or chips or tortillas or cake if I feel like it, but I view it as an indulgence, not as the way I eat.

Throughout this site, I have written weight loss tips that worked for me.  The best compilation of them is here: The Planner’s Guide to Dieting, which I wrote for my mother last year.

Five days ago, I was concerned because my weight had crept up 5 pounds over my freakout limit of 118.  (My weight had been over 118 for 14 days total while I experimented with a slightly larger body.)

The next day, it was up 4 pounds more (sushi rolls, barbecued spare ribs).  Sadly for me, that was a day I saw BFD.  That day, I was physically uncomfortable.  My skirt felt tight.  Walking around with him, I did not look like myself.  I did not post a picture of myself from the sushi dinner the night before (it was a birthday party).  I looked big.  BFD, who is a bit obsessed with my obsession with my weight, was not discouraging when I told him I was on a diet.

I had already started my diet that day, and by the next morning. I was down 4.4 pounds.

So, now, in three days, I have lost 7.8 pounds.  It was not much real weight.  It was mostly water retention from sodium and from having my period, but it is a couple of real pounds. I had been over 118 for a couple of weeks.

I look like me again, back at 118.  I intend to lose 3 or 4 more pounds over the next couple of weeks.

After my little experiment, I accept that 115 is my preferred weight with a float between 113 and 118.

I have put on 5 pounds over my OMG upper limit of 118.

It’s not noticeable to most people — I look a little younger, a little more womanly, my ass is more impressive.  Everyone thinks I look better.  Seriously.  The jump from 113 to 118 to 123 has left people thinking, wow, you look good.  To them, I still look thin, but not really skinny.

I have put on the weight by being on vacation, by being ill, by being very bloated, and by experimenting.  I know what I am doing.  In part, I have intentionally gained weight to see how it feels. Now that I have done it, I have decided to drop back down, although I have not decided how far.

It started with BFD . . . he insisted on my eating and eating and eating.  He’s never commented on my weight directly.  Instead, he comments on my eating.  How I know this is actually about my weight: I eat in front of him all the time.  I eat a lot.  I never hold back in eating with him.  Still, he pushes me to eat.  He brings me calorie-laden things.  He insists we eat when I’ve already eaten. For him, it’s about my weight.  He was horrified when I told him I’d lost 8 pounds since we’d been dating, dropping from an obviously attractive 122 to at lowest 111, but mainly 113-115.  It became obvious when, on our last date, he insisted I drink a smoothie he’d made (even directing me back to it post-sex) and then insisted we go to a late dinner.  He was hungry, obviously, but his insistence was intentional.

BFD is in fabulous shape.  A little heavier than when we met — he was in hardcore training mode before his season started — but he has an amazing body for someone in his 30s.  And he’s in his 40s.  Being with him puts pressure on me to be thin.  In my own head, only.

But I got too thin.  I mean, I know I got too thin.

So, I have put on a little weight.  My belly is rounder, my hips are wider, my face is fuller.  I am speaking about this as though I am some gargantua, but I am swanning around town in size 4 sheath dresses, pencil skirts, and miniskirts.  I just bought a ton of new clothing — all 4s — and I look great in size 4 ready-to-wear and mall staples like br/ann taylor/j crew.  I wore a miniskirt tonight, and every time I walked through a restaurant (and I was in 3), I turned almost every head.  I look sexier with curves.  But, I don’t like how I look.

I prefer being skinnier.  I like being really thin.

I am debating with myself how far to go.  I have decided to drop down until 118, at a minimum.

The problem, of course, is that I have body image problems and I have no idea whatsoever how I look.  To me, everyone in the world looks a little pudgy.  BFD, who works out 1-3 hours a day 6 days a week, looks a little chunky at times.  (He’s not.)  Girls who I know are considered thin look big.  Women I know are considered sexy as hell look fat to me.  They aren’t, any of them, but I can’t make sense of what I see.

I am not certain what I will do ultimately, but for now, I am going back on the plan.  I am softer than I want to be.  I will be paying attention and considering at every step just how far to go.

No matter what medical science may say, I know I have one secret to weight loss.

Water.

The more water — and tea — I drink, the more weight I lose.

Yes, I watch my calories carefully always (even when I splurge, I am aware that I am splurging), I avoid empty carbs like I have an allergy to them, and I never ever use artificial sweetener, but the big key: water.

This week, I decided to take advantage of BFD’s absence to shave 2 or 3 pounds off. Now, granted, my weight is stable. For the past four months, my range is 112-117 with a rare pound slip in either direction. I prefer myself at 113 with 115 as the highest point. When I hit 116, I get a little nervous. For the past two weeks with pms, a very late period (again!), and regular meals with BFD, my weight had been bouncing around 116. That’s fine, but not my preference.

This week, though, I have eaten very carefully, no splurges, no 3 chinese meals, only one meal out (dinner with JerkFace on Wednesday — I ate a delicious [bun-free] mushroom swiss bacon burger), no alcohol. I was frustrated with the progress for the first couple of days, losing only .2 pounds. Then, I started drinking much more water and tea.

Increased hydration was the big change from the beginning of the week to the last 4 days. Everything else was exactly the same.

One week later, I have lost 2 pounds.

I am going to stick with an ascetic plan for a bit longer. I should be without BFD for another couple of days, at least, so it makes sense to try to reset at 113 again after spending a couple of weeks at 116.

I am pleased with how well things have gone. I know much of this weight loss is water weight, but I am just as pleased to have that off my frame as losing a lot of body fat.

In January, I freaked out a little bit when my weight dropped to 115. Starting when I broke through 118, I wrote a series of posts about my “Weighty Issues,” obsessing with my body image problems and trying to convince myself to stop losing. I didn’t. Thanks to illness and stress, within 3 weeks, my weight dropped to 111, which is the lowest I can remember. It freaked me out and I loved it, which freaked me out more.

I am not dieting. In general, I eat a very sensible, lowish carb plan. I also drink wine and eat crackers and rice and pasta and dessert on occasion. For me, it’s always been about balancing my sensible eating with real life. I am careful in my approach and I order smartly, but I also have the damn cake if I want the damn cake.

But, and this may be the wicked pms talking, I want to lose a few pounds. I want to go back on my diet hardcore for a week (or two) to stabilize my weight at 113 instead of 115. Even as I type this, I think it’s stupid.

BUT, I feel really, really enormous today. At 116, I feel huge and my weight will be up tomorrow thanks to today’s eating. (A scone! A tasteless freaking scone.) I have been looking at my meticulous weight chart and I don’t like the trend this week . . . sticking at 115 or over.

So, tomorrow, I am back on the plan for a week. No alcohol, no popcorn, no candy, no chef’s special beef. Even with all of that, I know I am still within my comfortable weight range and I know I am still a 2/4. I feel like I want to detox for a week. There are no danger signs. In fact, I don’t even have a desired amount of weight to lose, I just want to jump back in for a low carb week.

Lola, you’re right, I have not been updating regularly while I had network problems the last few days.

Exercise

I decided to get up earlier to exercise every morning for Lent.  (It’s not like there is a lot I could give up that would feel like a true deprivation . . .)

My original goal was to do 20-30 minutes of cardio and 5-10 minutes of ab/back work, eventually increasing it.  I did much, much more than that on Saturday and Sunday and now my foot that had a stress fracture hurts.  A lot.

I took this morning off and felt like crap about it.  I did a bit of ab work tonight, but not enough.

Tomorrow is another day.

The Car

I gave BFD the car back 4 weeks ago until everything is finalized with the insurance and the car company. He is more comfortable that way, and it’s his car and I respect that. It’s an expensive car, so having me on the insurance is important. Since we’re changing the registration and everything, too, we just haven’t gotten around to it yet. In general, that means he is suffering from having to drive 20 miles every time he wants to see me. You would think that would motivate him, but apparently running his companies is more important . . .

The car company itself has been the biggest delay until the past 5 days.  They took weeks to get us the paperwork, screwed it up, and we had gotten conflicting information a few times.  I have not pressured him to do it or move faster, just in case he wanted to pull out.  It’s a huge commitment and it has been a little scary knowing we were taking this on.  

There is still a chance the deal will not work, given the credit markets, but it’s unlikely since he is basically just adding me to his existing contract.  I am hoping that, very soon, I will have that gorgeous car parked downstairs. 

Dinner with BP

BP drives me insane.  He showed up last Wednesday and took me to dinner.  He let me know that I was “now outside the family” because I was with BFD.  He made his usual pitch to get me back romantically.  He showed up in a one of his cars that costs over 100k (no, really) and said, you know, you could have one exactly like this if you wanted.  I asked him how and he just smiled.  Again, this is my Business Partner.

Over dinner, he kept up the pressure.  He said, eh, BFD, he’s temporary, you’ll never be with him long-term.  He’s not a factor in your life, but keep him around and get what you can from him.  I told him, look, BFD is the real deal and I am with him because I am figuring out if I want to have children with him.  BP kept saying, you don’t want to do that, but I explained to him really why I think I might.

(BP just spent 2 hours with me on the phone . . . same attempts to undermine things with BFD, same attempts to try to win me over.  It’s completely ineffective.  Within the next week, he will decide to shift his attention to someone else and I will have another month or two free from his attempts.)

He made a few very direct passes at me, and I am just not interested.  

BFD Update

I called BFD a little after 10, to check in.  He answered right away, but he sounded distracted with work.  I immediately said, I am just checking in, but you sound really busy, so I will let you go.  He was a little surprised (and happy) and said, thanks, we’ll talk tomorrow!

That is one of the reasons I am his girlfriend.  I know him well enough to know I certainly could have spoken to him, but it was not the best thing for him.  So, within 30 seconds, we checked in:  I got to hear his voice, he got to hear mine, and we know that we’re together, even when we’re not together.

Diet and Weight Update

Last week, I went out four times (plus, I had a double cheeseburger with fries here with BFD).  Those meals included a rack of pork ribs (along with a few of the most delicious fries I have had in years), the largest gyro salad imaginable (it was all I ate that date and I gained 3 pounds), and a huge meal at the ethnic restaurant.  

Despite all of that, I am at 113.  My weight fluctuates daily depending upon what I have been eating, but in general, I am still around 113 and I bounce from 112-115. 

I am very pleased at being able to maintain.  On the days when I have not been eating out and for the rest of my meals on those days, I stick to my original food plan: very low carb, lots of nuts, fats, and protein.  I am enjoying my meals at home and away.