This has been an up and down day . . . mostly really freaking down.

My financial difficulties are building and I have no idea where salvation may lie. We canceled our work trip for this week, which pushes us further behind, and BP is ill.

I have a proposal for a new client that I have not yet written because I know I have zero chance of landing the business. It will not happen. If in the last couple of months you have read anything I have written or spoken to me in real life, you know this is not false modesty or lack of confidence. Now that I am back, baby, I am brimming with confidence — and false confidence, for goodness sake. I just know the guy will not hire me to do it. I could hear it in his voice and I know it will not happen. Structuring the proposal will take me a few more hours of thinking, and I know it’s all wasted time. Still, I must do it. At some point.

(After my whining, I outlined it and wrote it tonight during the Championship Game . . . I spent a game that went into OT working on this stupid proposal for which I will not get paid. Awesome. But, inspiration struck as I was watching the game: all of a sudden, I knew exactly what to say and how to frame everything. There is no way I will get this gig, but it’s a proposal I will certainly use again.)

Because I am slightly out of contact today, I am unsure if the bellwether funded. Today is supposed to be the final go/no-go, with funds clearing and in their account. The fact I have not taken delivery of a bottle of Dom suggests perhaps there was “another” “delay.”

I currently have no internet access of my own. Almost all of the neighbors run closed wireless networks (about 15 of them), which seems downright unAmerican. My network is always open, because that’s part of the point of running a wireless network. That means that my network trouble is also affecting my neighbors. (Sorry, guys.)

I hit a depth this afternoon when I could not get any response from anyone and I felt so completely and utterly isolated and alone. I actually cried, though not a lot. My frustration is overwhelming.

There are wonderful things happening and I see where things are heading and I am pleased. The difficulty is that I am suffering now, and there is no quick fix on the horizon.

I could get a personal loan from some of my wealthy friends. The problem: I have no demonstrable way of paying them back. Because of that, I cannot even bring myself to ask. When it comes to basic things, I have asked and they have stepped up, but I just cannot bear to add to that tally.

It’s now about 11 pm and I am in my library steelin’ ur wireless.

I sent two drafts of the proposal off and I also just wrote a fairly perturbed email response to the chair of a committee on which I serve for a local arts group. I cannot stand the chair — at all — and her snippy emails are beginning to annoy me. I am already the only active committee member she has left and I am on the verge of quitting. I can still do what I intend to with the group without being on the actual committee . . . and I think I shall. Imagine that, the Planner about to head off the reservation to pursue her own plan. As usual.

I expect angry emails tomorrow in response to my missives tonight, which makes me the happiest I have been all day. I am still not as happy as kitzilla, who is lying on her “work bed” watching as I type.

When I look over what was truly a bad day, I am quite pleased with my responses to the overwhelming stress I am enduring.

Weight Loss — 0.4 pounds

Eh, I don’t know if this is real or not. I feel so bloated I just cannot stand it. I look at my thighs and I hate how fat they are. Same thing with my arms. Then I look at my hands and they’re all bluish from the veins now visible on the back of my hands and I think maybe I just have pms. Forever.

Food Intake —

Eh.

I had quiche for breakfast and lunch — lazy and stressed. Besides, it’s freaking great.

Had a big salad for dinner with a 3 oz 96% beef burger, 3/8 oz of swiss emmental, my own balsamic vinaigrette, 1/8 oz of diced shallot (oh, how I love thee . . . and living alone), and 2 oz of spring mix. Too lazy to count, but I am certain I am under 350 calories. Fairly certain.

I ate tbs of almonds throughout the day when I felt my energy flag. I had probably 4.

I am about to go eat dessert: 1/2 cup of kefir with some cinnamon and almonds. Woo-hoo, I am really living the life.

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