Today was kind of rough and kind of awesome.

I try, in real life, to be stoic.  I try to keep my own counsel.  It is very difficult for me to ask for help.

I know I should ask for help.  I know if I asked, help would be there.

Well, today, I kinda sorta asked for help, and it kinda sorta was there.

More importantly, I made a huge decision: I am getting a muthafucking job.  I know, I have a job.  I am getting a job with a salary.

A had been worried because he has not been able to reach me all week.  He knew that was not good news, so he showed up instead of studying.  We talked; I cried.  I told him I have been working on my resume.  Then, I showed him, though I certainly did not have to.  I just wanted him to know I was serious.

I cried, in part, because I am a failure and I will never be able to be successful if I have to take a crappy job to survive.  We could argue the point, but, like I told him, if I take some crappy job, then I will look like the failure I feel like.  At least now, I am doing something cool — for NO money — but if I take the wrong thing, then I am no longer fit for the life I had.  

(I know that’s sounds insane.  I do.  Still, I believe it’s true.  I live in a credential world.  I have credentials.  Then, I stepped off to do something cool, but coming back in, I have to be careful.  I can’t go to work just anywhere.  I would look like I am coming back from a drug problem or something.  And yes, this is exactly what I told A, while crying.)

He reminded me of who I am, who I have been, and who I still know who might be willing to help.  I think he is right.

After he left, I got immediately back to work on the resume and I made a list of people to contact and network with. 

A couple of hours later, I received a random email from my uncle, who is more like my big brother.  I told him that we had hit a delay and I was structuring my resume and pondering my options.  This is what he told me, in part:

 The only thing I would tell you is to take stock in all of your great attributes, and figure out what you want to be doing for the next five years and then simply do it. You are one of those people who truly have no boundaries on you.   You can do whatever you set your mind to. A steady paycheck may be the way to go for the time being, while you figure out your next move.  Either way, you will make it happen.
I reached out to my best friends and told them the same.  This was E’s response:
Well, I for one am certainly glad that you’ve come to conclusion that you should get a real job.  I guess I can put the “intervention party plans” on hold.  It’s too bad though…there was cake.
I sent them a copy of the first draft of my new resume.  They were extremely supportive, but I was so anxious to share it.  It’s embarrassing to acknowledge on paper what I have been doing.  Or something.  I was a wreck about it, so their responses were very reassuring.  
They passed along information for some good headhunters.  I think first I have to figure out what I want to do.  I think I know, actually.  
I have two or three dream jobs.  I mean, seriously dream jobs.  Like I don’t know how I could ever get hired to do them.  I think you just get anointed or something.  I thought my only shot would be building the organization myself and then running it.  
But . . . maybe it is possible.
I am actually kind of qualified, so maybe it is possible.  I will be exploring it.  I actually have a friend who works at a place I have in mind.  As I was refining the resume, I realized I might have the experience I would need.  I would make the money I would want.  Who knows.  Maybe it is possible.
I feel better than I have felt in days.  I am hopeful and excited.  There is a whole world out there to explore.  
I remember who I am and what I have done.  I reflected on what I have accomplished before the detour and everything I have done on the detour.  I see at least three paths open before me, and I will be aggressively searching for where I can make the best place for myself.  
The more I write here, the more I click over to the resume draft to add skills.   The more things I add, the more opportunities become available.