I am bewildered. Not bewitched, not bothered. Just bewildered.

If I had to express myself in one word it would be this: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Here is the deal: I am b-r-o-k-e. Beyond broke. I am in debt and borderline destitute.

What does an overeducated, overcredentialed broke person do? Get a job. I know that sounds easy. It’s not. Because I am a lawyer and I have been successful, I am supposed to have a book of business to carry into a firm. I don’t. If I did, I would not be broke. I am so optional it’s not funny. I am the ultimate optional add-on. I am non-essential. I have no marketable skills to use in a downturn. Like now.

I could go in-house. I have the credentials and relevant experience to go in-house. The problem? How do I explain why I am such a failure that I cannot make it on my own?

Despite all of that, I called BP to say, hey, I am submitting my resume for some jobs but how do I account for what I have been doing since I have essentially had two jobs. He said, well, it doesn’t matter, you’ll only get a job from interviewing and knowing people and no one will hire you anyway.

Um, what?!!!!!!!

Actually, I said nothing. He said, are you there? I said, yes, I just have nothing to say to you. He said, I thought you’d laugh. I told him instead to go fuck himself, except I used more profanity than that. Then I told him I had 3 things to tell him. He said, okay, 1, you love me. I said, okay, 4 things. He said, okay, 1, you’re awesome. I said, exactly. He said, I know, I am just messing with you. I was like, dude, too soon!

You cannot tease a drowning woman while she’s fighting to survive. Joke with me on the beach, but save me first. More saving, less joking.

He is pretty pissed about the whole thing. The whole I need to make money thing. Look, I am now carless. I could get it fixed, but I do not want to. I need to not have to go to him for everything. He asked why the other part of my business was not supporting me. I was like, um, hello? Economic downturn. Clients have no money to expand, so they do not need to pay me.

He then pitched me on an old idea we have been kicking around and said, well, let’s just do that. It will be faster than you getting a job and you will make more money. Fuckety, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. So, okay, big guy, make it happen.

Why am I waiting? Why do I pause? Why do I stay?

I have a lot wrapped up in this project I have worked on with BP for a very long time. I need to make it happen to the extent I can. We’re close, tantalizingly close.

I am not hopeless. There are plenty of opportunities for salvation. I have some 5 figure proposals out. The new project BP and I are discussing could be lucrative. The deal we are working on could happen.

One of the internal battles I face is having to deal with day to day with having no real cash. I also have to deal with the anger and attitude of my friends. They think I should be making major money given what I do, who I am, and what I have done in the past. They cannot quite figure out why I am putting up with being broke.

They know, but do not understand, the gamble I have taken. If I win, then I am set. If I lose, I am still broke, but with true currency as experience.

While putting away the dishes, I began pondering calling my ex-Partner XP and telling him what’s going on. He’s usually good for throwing some decent business my way. He tends to show up with new clients for me. I love that about him.

Supposedly, I am meeting with BP tomorrow to discuss the new project, the current deal, and my cash-poor situation. He’s still mystified that people don’t need what I do when times are turning. It’s almost cute with his too rich to understand my problems thing.

An update: I just spoke with Q, my good friend in LA, who has been working hard and is on the cusp of some great opportunities he created for himself. He just offered me a little part-time gig to do some work for him. It’s absolutely adorable, and I will take him up on it. He also encouraged me to stay the course. Full-time work, which he has, is important, but it’s a last resort. I forgot to tell him I might be seeing him this weekend. Operative word being might.

Overall, I feel really good.