I cannot afford my club membership.

I have been behind for months and they have been keeping me on because of my profile. I received a letter a few weeks ago saying “enough is enough,” and giving me a last chance to save it.

The difficulty is that I just cannot afford it. What I owe them is ridiculously low in real terms (like a grand), but since I am stressed about having enough food until the funds clear my account, I just cannot pay it.

Now, I am debating: (1) dropping levels of membership and maintaining it, (2) dropping it altogether until things straighten out, or (3) um, sitting here crying. I mean, I am not crying yet, but argh. This sucks.

I used to have money. I remember when I would get a suspension notice from the club because I forgot to pay the bill, not because I could not afford it. Now, I just cannot afford it. I have not been able to afford it for months, but I have been paying enough to avoid getting dropped. Lately, I cannot even do that.

Why is it important? I mean, it’s just a club, right? Well, it’s part of my identity, sadly. It’s home to many of my more casual friends and acquaintances. It’s for all the reasons you belong to a club in the first place.

==== Update: I spoke to F, who is still ill. He’s having some heart trouble . . . something with the rhythm. He is either normal or exhausted. He slept all afternoon. He called me late tonight to offer to pay my back dues. I have not decided to accept. Oh, who I am kidding? Of the things I am relearning about myself: I am a vain, insufferable snob. Yay.