I am having such a bad day, I am preventing myself from going to sleep.

I also kinda wish I had a drug problem or an alcohol problem or some reason I am such a fucking pathetic failure. Something other than my specialization does not work in an economic downturn and I just had a $50k retainer proposal rejected by prospective clients who are crying poverty. They’re trying to renegotiate the retainer amount, or defer it, which is fine, but pay me something, dammit.

This morning, my mother, who had just returned from a week in a villa in Tuscany, told me that she received a letter letting her know that a creditor’s law firm is moving to enforce its rights. I’ve been negotiating because their figures are wrong. Since we started our discussion a month or two ago, they say I owe them another $1200.

My mother is, rightly, pissed. She said, look just pay them whatever and make this go away. She’s totally right, of course. But, now I have to come up with an additional $2500 than I had intended.

I called F, who was on a conference call, and just told him the whole thing. He said he’d take care of it, but his lack of concern is almost sociopathic. I feel as though I am dying inside and he’s completely unconcerned: “just send me the paperwork and I will have my [company in that business] cut a check.” What??? Where was this discussion a month ago, Effing F?

Speaking to F again later, he said, look, it’s just not a big deal. I protested about how bad things are, and he’s just like, none of this will matter in 2 months. I told him, reasonably, it fucking matters right now.

I feel heartbroken and heartsick because I let my mother down. Again.

I am fixing it, and in a couple of months, it should all be okay, but it fucking hurts now. It matters now. It sucks now.

My mother is by far the most important person in my life and having her upset with me is actually physically painful.