Tonight, I looked at myself in the full-length mirror and thought for the first time in years: “I am thin.”
I had thrown on my size 4 high-waisted, wide-legged jeans to walk to the store and they were loose. Not unwearable, falling down loose, but definitely looser than they’ve been. Ever. Shoes I bought a couple of years ago but had always been too tight across the bridge of my foot fit beautifully.
I was so surprised I called my mother to tell her that I actually might be thin. Her response: “well, you weigh nothing . . . ”
(Ahem, according to the BMI, I am still “normal.” Dammit.)
That’s the thing with body image — it’s impossible to know how you actually look. I still do not really know, but I know that pants that I rarely wore back when I was thin now look dynamite. My favorite French jacket (size 8 ) that I bought for $150 at the Neiman’s Outlet is so big I cannot wear it. The sleeves are too long, the waist is too wide, and it’s just silly looking. I pulled on the jeans I bought 30 pounds ago (at Christmas) and they are absurd. No belt in the world could save them, not that I would care to, which is why I bought them at Target for $15.
I can wear chic little ensembles I’ve owned for years — pencil skirts, cropped jackets, sheath dresses, etc. — updated with other pieces to modernize the silhouette or look. BP is constantly fascinated by my evolving wardrobe choices — little flirty dresses, shorter skirts, slimmer cuts. He especially loves my dress collection — paired with a scarf or a little jacket or sweater, they work great for a more casual summer office, but with the matching or complementary jacket, they are formal business attire.
My mother has sent some new pieces to me — a white patent leather 3/4 length trench-style raincoat, a chic cotton 3/4 length trench-style jacket with a great pattern, and new scarves from her Italy trip. They have integrated well — especially the raincoat. I wore it with a red sundress recently on a rainy night and it was a huge hit.
I am almost to the size I want to be to begin investing in new pieces. I have just a few more pounds to go. With travel, life, and pms, my weight fluctuates 3-5 pounds a month, so I would rather fluctuate up to this weight than down to it.
I am still surprised to have looked in the mirror and really liked how I looked. Now, I know I have been able to wear clothes well for a couple of months, but there has been a change or maybe I am just now seeing it. I look different. I look thin-ish. I am still not skinny, but I am not “average” either, no matter what the BMI says.