Since it is the last week of Summer (and BP is supposed to be traveling), I am mostly taking this week off. I have a few things to do, which add up to about a 45 minute meeting each day and maybe an hour of writing. Overall, it’s an easy week. I am working from home, enjoying a brief respite.
I have glanced through this journal, struck by how much I have changed. That’s been the whole point of writing, to have a chronicle of what is happening.
BP called me around 11 am and we spoke for a couple of hours about a whole host of things. Mostly, though, we spoke about us, without actually explicitly speaking about “us.” We spoke about him and we spoke about me and we spoke about what is important to us individually and collectively.
I teased him about his playboy ways, as I often do. I am one of his closest friends and he tells me “more than [he tells] anyone else.” Assuming that’s true, I do have a unique insight into all of his relationships with different women.
This morning, I asked about the difference between the women he has sex with because they’re there (i.e., they work for him or with him or are his clients) versus the important relationships. He said the ones who are there thing was just to fulfill some momentary desire, whereas the important relationship are “like chapters of [his] life unto themselves.” I know the names of all of the important relationships. He’s gone into great detail with me over the years about how and why he loved them and the fact that he’s still connected to almost all of them. They are, with a single exception, still his friends. Many of them are married, some to his own friends.
I didn’t ask him which group I fell into. I believe he has genuine feelings for me. I do not rise to the level of an important relationship — at least not yet — but it’s all so early. A relationship with me does not make sense in our lives, but we are somewhat powerless to stop it. More accurately, we are refusing to stop it. We’ve been inseparable for years as friends and our dating is somewhat accelerated.
He believes that people are in his life for a reason, even when it’s not clear what that is. He believes God brought me to his life for a purpose and we each reiterated that we have no idea what that purpose is, except that we’re following our instincts though we know logically it doesn’t make any sense. We laughed that we are so careful and pragmatic in everything and then we are involved in something that is just instinctive. We are romantically involved because it feels like the right thing to do, though it complicates everything.
He mentioned he could be with 5 women right now, but he’s not. I believe that’s true. Heck, I was with him when he picked a couple of them up and it is something he does for sport. He’s so methodical when it comes to pursuing a woman. He never just climbs into bed with them. The sex is not as important as the relationship. He sends them through a long and extensive vetting process (seriously!). When he is with someone, he is completely and fully there. Now, once he leaves, who knows?
We talked about how important honesty is in a relationship and for us. Famously, he did not tell an ex-girlfriend that he had children. The then-girlfriend was shocked when she saw him at an industry dinner and he was accompanied by a gorgeous young woman — and she never realized it was his daughter. He’s still fond of her, though I know they have not spoken. Those are the kind of things he tells me. I know when they call. Heck, I’ve looked through his bberry and I have his passwords for everything (though I never check up on him).
There are really no secrets between us.
I have been sitting with him late at night in restaurants when he has called the women in his life (sometimes in a row). He has called me from a girlfriend’s house and invited me to speak to her, letting her know who I am and that I am fully aware of who she is (with the implication that I am not a threat). He has until recently mentioned to everyone how close my ex A and I still are and that we will reconcile at some point. It is not true, and I think he knows it, but it enables him to say to anyone: that attractive young woman is not available and you have nothing to worry about.
I know all of this about him and yet, I am still going down this path. We are really just dating — we kiss passionately, we hold hands, we speak for hours and hours. (We even sit silently on the phone watching political speeches for hours.) It just feels like the right thing to do, which is why we are doing it, though very, very slowly. We’ve not slept together. I have not been thoroughly vetted, which is one reason we have not slept together. The other is that I have not decided whether I want to. For me, it’s a big deal. I am very cautious about it and the sex thing will most assuredly complicate matters. We have discussed it. We enjoy each other and whether to move forward became a serious topic of discussion last week while we were traveling. He asked at a couple of points and we both decided no.
I did tell him that I miss him, and that I get cranky when I know I will not see him for a while. I put in in the context of how truly dazzling and overwhelming it can be in his presence for me and for everyone else.
He told me that there is one woman he would marry tomorrow because they “are just like that.” That hurt. He also wants to introduce me to her, something he has said before. I said well wouldn’t that be awkward and he said, “she would think you’re insignificant because you’re not her. She’s too egocentric to even notice. She would be your best friend and worst enemy.” He’s seen her once in 10 years (months ago), so I am not exactly concerned about it. Hell, I am the one who encouraged him to find her again in the first place.
i thanked him for being so honest, but that did hurt. And yet, I believe that, if we were truly involved, he would fall for me. That may just be my own ego speaking, but how could he not fall for me? He says that every single man in my life is or has been in love with me. He is not so different from them.
He called back and was laughing about the fact he can never find his things because they’re scattered all over the place in his different homes and in drycleaners all over the country. I said, well, I know one place you have absolutely nothing: right here. He said “not even a pair of drawers???” Nothing. We laughed about the fact he’s only been up here once years ago and neither of us could remember the context though we both remember him being here. I’ve not invited him up since nor invited him in when he’s carried up groceries or luggage. He said, well, I just figured you were very private and I was respecting your privacy.
Part of it is that the place is kind of unfinished — I have tiny parts we never finished painting, I did not buy new furniture, etc. None of that really matters to anyone else in the world nor would anyone ever notice, but interior design is important to all of us, so for us, it does. I have a beautiful place, it’s just not absolutely perfect. More importantly, it’s rarely completely spotless and it would be a bit humiliating to have him see it without it being sparkling clean. Again, it’s clean, but I would need to dust the baseboards in anticipation of his arrival.
He said just now he’d never come up without an invitation, so I just extended a blanket invitation for him to come upstairs whenever he’d like. I think that means I need to finish my dusting and get A’s stuff out immediately — or at least tucked deep into a closet. A still has a ton of stuff here. I’ve never asked him to move it out, but I think it’s time.
I spoke with W, one of my best friends, who assumes BP and I have already slept together. I could tell him in all honesty we have not. My friends all anticipate we will be involved at some point and none of them are happy about it. It’s not that they don’t like BP — they think he’s great — they just think there is no future for us and they know he is a playboy.
Essentially, my friends know we are dating because we are. I have been honest that we like each other, but they all knew long before I did. At least, they knew he liked me.
I have no idea really what will happen from here. I like him. He likes me. We flirt. We speak constantly. We are very close and getting closer. Eventually, I will have to end it. I will have to date someone with whom I can have a future. Though it saddens me to say this, I cannot see it lasting through January, if that long. He knows that I want a family and, despite what he has said, I just cannot see him wanting to have a family with me at this point in his life.
We know we are supposed to be together. We just are. There is no telling for how long or to what intensity. We could fall for each other or we could call the whole thing off. Our lives have already changed because of our relationship with each other.
The romance has been, for me, unexpected. I never viewed him that way, though he is handsome, interesting, smart, and successful. I was attracted to him, but that was not a big deal and it never occurred to me to date him. In fact, dating him is tough only because I miss him terribly when we’re not together.
I know he misses me, too. He came up for no reason on Tuesday to take me to lunch. He calls me every evening so we can listen to the speeches together, though we are far apart in distance. When we are not on the phone, we’re exchanging texts and emails.
I think about him often and I have no idea what the future holds. For now, we are just going with it.