I just reread my private journal of my days and dates with BP.
What I realized, what I am so glad I wrote each day, was about how he felt about me, what he told me, what he did that made us make this switch from very close friends and business partners to develop a (probably doomed) romance.
I forget sometimes that he has significant feelings for me. There have been many times when I have questioned everything: I thought that I liked him more than he likes me, or that he only likes me because I am convenient.
But then I remember that he wooed me for months. He played it cool, but he always let me know that he was there if I wanted him. We discussed taking personal trips together, though I just was not aware that the intention was for romance. He was planting seeds, but I was quite oblivious until all of a sudden I understood. By then, it was too late . . . my feelings for him had developed before I was fully aware they were there.
The shift happened somewhere before my birthday when I realized I was dressing to look good for him, wearing things I knew he liked, dropping things I knew he didn’t. I was already dating him, I suppose, already enjoying our alone time together, jealous when we were joined by other people.