(I am overthinking things. I know I am. I have been so stressed and so out of my mind all day.)
BP is ailing. He’s been having tests run all week long. He sounds terrible. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. I just know the symptoms and I am concerned.
Four months ago, I was irritated when he was ill and completely unreachable. Today, I sat in my library and cried. I did not cry because I couldn’t reach him. (He’d called me a few times yesterday and we exchanged texts last night and today.) I cried because I am afraid of what a health crisis would mean. I cried because I cannot imagine my life without him. It’s not as my romantic parter, it’s as my dear friend. Plus, we’re so fully integrated into each other’s business lives I cannot even imagine what I would do without him. Because I am a planner, I actually thought about it and I cannot ponder doing this alone. I would not want to do this alone.
It has occurred to me that I love him. That I love him is not news, we have loved each other for a long time, but my feelings for him are deepening. I am not in love, but I desperately wanted to rush to his bedside, to take care of him while he recovers, to wait on him hand and foot, to spoil him. Basically, all the good girlfriend stuff. But, that’s not my place and not my role.
I do worry that a significant health setback may force him to make changes in his life. I fear he may have to scale back his travel, scale back his workload, scale back his empire-building. His life is dizzyingly complex and he may have to simplify, to reduce his stress, to just relax. He does not need the money; he loves the process. He loves what we do.
I also worry that we’ll have to prematurely end things on the relationship front. I believe that I bring stress to his life, though he tells me that the time we spend together is the best he feels.
Though we are currently in the same State, by the time I see him again, it will have been two weeks since I have seen him at all and three weeks since I have seen him in any meaningful way. He’s planning a trip for us (delayed by his health and some potential weather issues) that has two days of business, but he’s blocking a week. That typically means a 5 day trip with a travel day and dinner on the front side and an extra day or two on the back side to have random meetings or just wander. After he’s lost this whole week to tests and recuperation, we may cut it very short, but I still hope we’ll have some extra time to unwind.
I may even pack my bikini.