Yesterday, for a few hours, I convinced myself it was over . . .

I haven’t seen in in 10 days.  I have been so stressed all week, plus he’s been ill.  We’re not connecting.  It’s still early in the relationship, so it’s tenuous.  Our relationship is complicated by all this other stuff — our business, our friendship, my financial situation.  We are romantically involved despite this other stuff, but the romance is the least important part.  It’s the easiest thing to let go.

And yet . . . I always get nervous in the beginning.  I always think it’s more tenuous than it really is.  

I had to remind myself that we did not start dating because it’s easy or convenient.  This is complicated, not easy.  We spoke at length and moved forward knowing how much was at risk — our friendship, our business, our relationships with other people — knowing we would face resistance and disapproval from many people in our lives.  

I know much of my overthinking is that I have been very worried about him — with good reason.  It’s serious.  He’s been having tests run all week and he’s suffering from the effects of the tests as much as the original complaint.  (He’s told everyone he has a cold.)  He said they won’t know the results of the tests until Tuesday.  I cheerfully said, “That’s great news.  If there were a problem, they’d let you know immediately!”  He won’t tell me what’s going on.  He’s uncomfortable talking about it on the phone.  He said he’d tell me later. 

I shared my fears with A when he came by yesterday afternoon for a late lunch.  He said there would be a lot of other symptoms and started listing them.  Honestly, it made me feel better since he has none of that.  I can tell because of all the years I have spent with him.  I would have noticed those things, so even if it is the worst case, it’s early.  The best case is it’s stress, but I doubt they’d be running all of these tests if it were just stress.  Eh, I am overthinking it again.  

*  *  *  *

Around 11 pm last night, he called half asleep to apologize for not calling me back.  We had been speaking around 7-ish and he took another call.  I knew when he didn’t call back within a couple of hours that he had fallen asleep.  He’s still exhausted, still recuperating.  

I really miss him and I am really worried about him.  He sounds better every time I speak to him and he’s at least recuperating from the side effects of the tests and the drugs they have given him.

I am trying to allow things to unfold naturally between us.  I am trying to give him the space he needs to recover.  I am trying to give him the space he needs to deal with everything else he is dealing with.  He is actively removing people from his life.  He is taking a different approach with everyone, even his EA (who may no longer be the EA after many years) and his children.  

*  *  *  *

Things are changing.  There is always a chance he may be deciding I am one of those things that needs to change.  He has never given me a moment to think that.  His focus when he has been trying to figure things out between us is about how to balance our romantic relationship with our work relationship.  Despite my fears, it’s never been whether or not to have the romantic relationship.  We passed that hurdle weeks ago.

Ultimately, I do not know what the future holds for us.  I do fret when I don’t hear from him.  I hate when I don’t get to see him.  I am always afraid this relationship is all in my head, even though I know it isn’t.

I am beginning to think I’d like nothing more than to be with him exclusively, that I’d love the security of knowing that we’re committed.  I think I’d love to be committed to him, knowing that we were building a future together in this way as well.  

Because I know him so well, I am just not sure.  Despite the fact we adore each other, despite the fact that we do love each other, I just don’t know how much further this can go — and frankly, I think he does not know either.  He says he has a plan.  I have no idea if we want the same things.  We’ve each thought about getting a house together, about living together.  We’re not necessarily the best people in the world for each other: for us to build a future together, one of us would have to make an enormous sacrifice, depending on what we decided.  

It’s nearly 8 pm and he texted me (in response to a text I’d sent him 2 hours ago) that he was just waking up.  I am glad he’s resting and recuperating, but I miss him like crazy.  This is the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other in months.

 

Obviously related:  PMS and Overthinking — Duh.

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