All the weird thoughts swirling through my head this week, crying in my library, overthinking everything and deciding it’s all over . . . yes, I have pms.

I know it.

I think I am fat.  My pain is back.  My back hurts.  I am itchy.

Each of these on its own screams pms.  Collectively, they made me actually grab my calendar and count backwards.  Yay, pms!

My pms is significantly better than it’s been in many, many years.  Often, I am surprised when I get my period.  The incredible stress I have been under this week is probably enhancing my hormonal imbalance.

The biggest pms thing for me is that I have a difficult time interpreting people accurately.  It happened when BP and I were on a trip: I spent 2 days convinced he did not like me because he went back to his room for a late night conference call and then fell asleep.  I knew better, but my head was so twisted that I felt terrible and wrote long, tortured journal posts, and I started protecting myself from being blindsided by the inevitable “this is not going to work” conversation.

The funny thing is THAT NEVER HAPPENS.  I am never blindsided by someone leaving.  I have ended most of my significant relationships or have known that they weren’t working for long enough that there was no surprise.  Devastation when A ended it, but no surprise.

BP and I will split at some point.  It’s inevitable.  We acknowledged to each other the first night that it’s impossible for us to be together.  We know it will end.

Still, for now, all of my weirdness and fear and stress about what is happening lives only in my head.  It’s not real.  He’s ill and disconnected from me.  The stress of his situation is weighing on him heavily, in addition to the stress of everything else in his life.  I know that I provide a respite for him, so I can help him by not losing my mind and getting all weird and withdrawn.  

When my head is screwed on correctly, I know all of this without having to think about it or write long tortured posts about it.

Now that I know it’s just pms, I have laced up my sneakers and I am hitting the Trail.

Advertisements