My ex A was a true pessimist. He claimed to always be right about everything, but when you believe the worst will ultimately happen, even entropy assures you will ultimately be right. I am a true optimist. I view obstacles as challenges and I believe that the best will always happen.
I am thinking about A’s pessimism this afternoon as I realize that Summer is well and truly over.
Here, the season has not yet changed (technically, it won’t for another couple of weeks). It’s in the high 90s and that will continue for another month or so. Still, as my fashion has shifted, so have my energy and focus shifted to the more formal, more somber Fall. Where this Summer felt light and airy, when I explored new style, new looks, a new romance, things feel heavier and more serious this week. I am more focused on business. The year feels short.
I am scheduling many activities for myself — more networking, more local involvement. I already serve on a couple of boards, but I have not been particularly active this year. I will be stepping that up. I am looking forward to circulating among new people, meeting new people, finding a new romance . . .
I had convinced myself (again) that things were over between me and BP. I was supposed to see him today, but I have not. He had not called, returned my calls or texts, or reached out to me in any way. I tried to get in touch with him all day to no avail.
When he finally called me, he was a bit chagrined. I asked him what had been going on: he was mysterious and said he’d have to tell me later. He did tell me he might come up this evening. I told him that if he did, he should take me to dinner. He laughed. I said, I am just teasing you. Which I was. He said, you always think I should take you to dinner. Well, of course I do. It felt normal and light and I began to think maybe it was okay.
A couple of hours have passed and he’s decided to come to town in the morning rather than tonight. (Or he’s coming to town tonight but not seeing me.) I am okay with that, especially because it indicates to me that we’re probably done.
We will always be close, but perhaps a romance was a really bad move. It makes everything more complex. It removes our ability to be righteously indignant when people presume we’re together. It means we have to deal with a relationship. It builds something that will one day end. It’s better that it end before we fall for each other. I was convinced it would probably be ending by the end of the year anyway. We had a present, not a future.
It may be just a timing issue. He has a lot happening in his life — a lot of responsibilities, a lot of weirdness. I know he genuinely cares for me. I genuinely care for him. We’re very attracted to each other. We love each other. But that’s just not enough.
I am not saying I am happy about it or that it will be easy to see him as purely my friend and business partner. He wooed me and eventually won me over. I am in a better, healthier place than I would have been otherwise. I know I owe a lot of that to him, his support, his attention. We have been in each other’s lives for years and we will be in each other’s lives for years in the future. The only difference is that we will know how the other kisses.
I suppose he can add that in to his pitch to introduce me to eligible men.