The last two weeks were torture — while BP was ailing, I was so worried about him (somewhat unnecessarily, it turns out). I began to realize just how interconnected my life is to his . . . and it scared the hell out of me. The visual image I had when I began to slowly freak out was of a widow climbing atop her husband’s funeral pyre. I could not imagine how to go on without him, which freaked me out even more.
I mentioned to him on Friday how frightened I was at the prospect of continuing on without him, business-wise. He was slightly flippant about it — saying nothing is going to happen to him and adding that he’ll put me in his will. That way, I will be sad for a day, but I can relax and know I will be taken care of. WTF??? Of course, I said, you don’t have to do that, it’s not about money. (I did correct myself to say he was certainly free to do whatever he wanted.) It’s not about the money. It’s not about the businesses. It’s really that it has become impossible for me to imagine my life without him in it.
On Saturday, after our intense conversation the night before, I began to create some emotional distance. I was actually sad, and I did what anyone would do: I called my friends and went out for a margarita.
My ex A happened to be at the bar. I saw his car as we pulled into the parking lot and thought . . . this is more than I can bear. I steeled myself for my first A-plus-a-girl encounter — only to find him sitting at the bar talking to some random guy. I sat down next to him without saying a word. He turned slightly to check me out and then did a double take when he realized it was me. So cute. I chatted with him for 10 or 15 minutes and then he hung out with us for a bit.
(A and I see each other for lunch at least once a week. This is something I do not tell BP. The romance was over long before we broke up over a year ago, but BP seems still a bit jealous of the relationship.)
On Sunday, I went for a 70 minute stroll around Town Lake, along with about 25% of Austin, and a lot of things became very clear to me. I can tell that I am able to create a bit of emotional distance from BP, which is helpful. I am seeing him more critically. I thought about how I can manage a new project we are launching together without him, and I feel rather confident that I can make it work no matter where he is or what he is doing. Granted, he will be putting up all of the seed capital, but I can manage and operate it on my own.
Visions of a funeral pyre vanished completely, though I did have the horrible thought that I would not be told were something to happen to him. Junior and the EA are not fond of my close relationship with BP. Plus, it might not occur to them to call me. I have decided to tell BP that I want keeping me in the loop to be part of the emergency protocol.
After I got home, I started doing some intense work on the new project. I did not miss BP though I did think of him. We last spoke on the phone on Friday night and I did not call him at all on Sunday, a day we normally speak 3-4 times. I felt really good about it.
I could feel some strengthening of my resolve to keep some emotional distance from him. Not a lot of distance, but enough to keep myself protected as we continue to play this out. I have decided to keep seeing him romantically for now. That’s the lovely thing about dating: I can see him or not see him with zero expectations.
Last night, I received a text from him saying he had just landed and wanting to know if I was awake. (He had not flown back here; he just wanted to talk to me.) Because I had missed the message, he was already on a call when I called him, but we ended up speaking for almost an hour until he decided we each needed to watch the west coast replay of a political show he likes. After the show ended, he called me again at nearly 2 am, though I missed his call, since I was asleep. I called him back about 3 minutes later and we chatted briefly, though I was definitely half asleep.
We were supposed to see each other today, but Black Monday is keeping him out of town and tied to the phone. I know with the dow down 504.48 as I type this he’s losing a lot of money, which understandably stresses him out. (Perhaps now is not the time to ask him to arrange (and pay for) my next hair appointment, though he said last week that he would.)
Unlike weeks past, I am not aching to see him. I know it may be different when we see each other, but for now, I am okay. I miss him of course and I look forward to seeing him, but I am not consumed by thoughts of him.