I’ve been so troubled about the relationship with BP and feeling so uncertain about how to proceed.  What I have not been able to figure out is why I feel this way.  I think I finally get it: he has pulled back.

When we launched into this whole thing, we did it with the intention to be open and explore the relationship.  We felt there was something bringing us together, so we decided to see where it led.  SInce he became ill, he’s pulled back.  I do not know that the two things are related — but the timing is unmistakable.

I don’t know if the pull-back is permanent or temporary.  He does not have the same sense of time that I do.  He is more patient.  He is in no rush.

BP came to town for a late lunch meeting with me.  It’s the first time I’d seen him since our difficult talk on Friday night.  

I am beginning to think that the pull-back has nothing to do with me.  He was really stressed out and it took almost two hours together before he began to unwind a bit and relax.  I had to get him to remember our process as we worked through a new project — our own project as a matter of fact.  He reviewed everything so critically at first before it all clicked into place.  By the end, we were both really pleased with what we’d done.

The ride home was very pleasant.  We drove through a neighborhood we both love to avoid serious traffic.  I mentioned to him that a house I know he likes is on the market in his price range.  Well, house doesn’t really describe it properly.  I told him I was still checking stuff out for him and a few things for me.  I told him that if he wanted to buy me a house, I had a few contenders.  He laughed and said, I thought I was getting you a car.  I told him we could start there.  

He was running off to another meeting, for which he’d be 45 minutes late, at least.  He said he’d be back to see me tomorrow around 6 pm.  I am not necessarily holding me breath, but I would love to think we’ll actually have time for dinner for the first time in weeks.  Knowing him, he will schedule something for after that dinner, too.  

He got out of the car and hugged me closely.  My lips grazed his cheek and the physical awkwardness I had been feeling dissipated.   

It is clear that spending time with me relaxes him, which I think he forgets sometimes.  Working on things he cares about relaxes him, too.  I hope this means he will be more relaxed more quickly when I see him again this week.

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