I am terribly conflicted about the whole dating thing.
I genuinely miss BP. It’s been almost a month since our last real date on our last trip and a couple of weeks since he kissed me. For the last three weeks or so, he’s been ailing. I have been giving him space. He told me he was spending the weekend recharging and “getting some mental things sorted out.” How deliciously intriguing.
A few weeks ago, BP told me that he did not want me to kiss anyone or allow anyone to kiss me. Period. When I was still actively dating him, that was fine. But now, it’s nebulous. I don’t know that you can be dating someone if you’re not actually going on dates. I know it’s not fair since he’s been ill and stressed, etc. Still, he has not said anything recently about missing me or wanting to be with me. Maybe he does, but he hasn’t said anything about it.
While BP was relaxing and recharging, I was going to cocktail parties with my friend W where I met the new guy “N.” I told BP what I was doing on Friday, and had he asked, I would have told him what I was doing on Saturday.
N is actually pretty great. He’s perfectly within my new demographic: slightly older, very successful, handsome, interesting. We have both worked in the same foreign city. He seems to have great friends. He seems really terrific. Plus, he likes me and has been rather direct about the fact that he likes me and wants us to date.
With N, I am almost concerned I am not good enough for him, like he is slightly out of my league, which is ridiculous. (Sometimes, I think the same about BP. In fact, it’s one of the reasons I was so shocked that he liked me.) It’s not that I don’t think I am great — if you’ve ever read this journal, you know I am a huge fan of myself. It’s just that these men could have pretty much any woman they want. The combination of successful, cultured, interesting, and handsome can be heady and, over the years with BP, I have seen a shocking number of unbelievable women throw themselves at him.
I spoke with N today. We tried to set up a time for our first date and came up empty. I happily emailed my friends to let them know that I found the perfect man — one actually busier than me.
N knows I am dating other people. He was part of a conversation about the fact I was dating someone. We’re pretty sure that we did not say it was BP — but W did say that I was seeing someone who was not 100% available.
The inner conflict I feel is that I know that BP would not be happy to know I was dating, regardless of whether he wants me for himself or not. He would want to be the only man in my life. One of the reasons BP and I have been taking things so slowly is that it’s scary how much we would risk were things to go awry. I miss him terribly, though I speak to him all the time. It’s different when we are together, when I am in his arms. I know he has been ill. I know he has a lot of things happening in his life. I know I could wait patiently for him.
But, I won’t. I can’t. Moreover, he would not wait for me.
There is a chance that BP and I could have a great life together . . . but that cannot happen right now. Right now is a holding pattern while he sorts things out in his life and I sort them out in mine. Because of delays and distractions, it’s not going to happen this fall. There is too much going on. There is too little resolved.
After receiving Lara Gardner’s comment, I reread the entire post and realized how terribly pathetic I sound!
I like to think I am not that girl, the one completely hung up on some guy. But, I kind of am, in that I am a bit hung up on one of my best friends and he’s a bit hung up on me and neither of us knows what to do about it. We veer wildly from one extreme to another and we are trying to find the right balance.
I’ve sacrificed a lot over the years, but I am not willing to sacrifice the rest of my life waiting for him to work things out in his head. I’ve been patient over the last few weeks because he’s been seriously ill — seriously enough to make changes to his life and his will, etc. But, I am not a patient girl. I tend to find situations that work for me and I do move on when I sense it’s not working. With A, I tolerated a lot from him because we were committed for life — I dealt with his issues, he dealt with mine.
In a dating situation, it’s so different. I get to try on different people to see who might fit. I am very open to meeting new people and doing new things.
The delicate dance I am doing is that I am in fact dating one of my best friends. I am not in love with him, but I love him dearly, so I am more aware of how everything I do affects him. He takes a long look at things and makes adjustments based on the concrete future he sees for us. I am much more skittish. If it could happen, I would love to have a future with him. I just don’t know that it could.
At this point, I am keeping all of my options open, evaluating everything carefully, and making the right choices for me. I am intrigued by N. I am intrigued by the possibilities of other people. I am still dating BP, too, knowing that my future with him would be in the future, not now.
I love the idea of dating. It’s just been about 8 or 9 years since I’ve done it.