The interesting thing about dating one of your best friends is that you know each other’s moves.

We had a long, revealing conversation today and I learned one interesting new wrinkle: he goes through phases of interest.  He described it as “obsession.”  Sometimes, he is completely obsessed with a woman, sometimes, not.  I noticed when I lost his interest.  I also noticed that I have it back. I did not know that this was a natural thing for him.

He thinks that everything I do is seductive — breathing (no, really), certain comments.  He thinks everything I do is intended to seduce him.  (He is wrong.)  When I mentioned that he is the one who made very suggestive comments to me long before it had occurred to me that he liked me or before I had ever thought of him that way, he acknowledged he’d been fantasizing about me for a very long time before he ever said anything.  I knew at that instant that he only said something to get my reaction, to see if I would be open to it.  Now, what he said was outrageous.  He was very specific and very graphic.  He repeated something similar about a week later.  I recited it back to him and he laughed and said he still wanted that to happen.  (It has not.)

He said that he has two obsessions — me and business.  I had to correct him that it was me, whoever his other woman is, and business.  Again, he laughed.  I also called him out about speaking to me about other women and told him that I know why he does it.  He always wants to remind me (or whomever) I am not the only one, though he also mentioned that his obsession can shift into a constant thing, a girlfriend thing.  I pressed him on that a little.  I know he has had girlfriends — I know I am not one of them — and that he has fallen in love. I asked him what makes the shift happen (so I could avoid it), but instead he redirected into something else.

I know his last love was a couple of years ago and he still thinks of her.  The funny thing about her is that I believe his love for her was as much of his love for his life when he was with her.  I was very aware of the details of their relationship when they were together and when they split.  She was not someone who knew the details of his life.  In fact, they no longer speak because she mistook his daughter for a mistress — since he never told her he had a family!  He mentioned her wistfully, which served as a reminder that I am pleased with where things are between us.

Because I know I would never be the only woman in his life, I do not want things to shift.  I am happy with where they are now, with his attentions waxing and waning. I am happy to share him with the world.  I know he’s a playboy, which he readily acknowledged.

Although we did not discuss it, he knows I am dating.  He has no evidence, but he thinks that I am juggling men.  He believes I am naturally seductive.  He believes I am very sexual within the confines of a relationship.  He cannot imagine that I am alone.  He believes I am a bit of a player because he knows for a fact I have been.  I remained silent on the issue, though it would have been a natural time to raise it.  I would never deny it if he asks me.  I would never lie to him, but I have no interest in telling him, either.  We play don’t ask, don’t tell.  He does his thing; I do my thing.  It’s better this way.  If he wanted to know, I would tell him.  If I wanted to know what he is doing, I would ask.

It’s essential that things with him remain where they are.  I have my reasons, just as I have my reasons for not advancing our physical relationship beyond where it is.  I am very tempted.  I am very attracted to him, I am confident it would be really great.  Just like I am confident that he could fall for me.  Things would have to significantly change within him for that to happen.  He mentioned that he wants to be different, but I know him well enough to know that’s just part of the return of his obsession with me.  His ardor will cool again.  He will encounter another woman enough like me or a different prototype that he will want her.

For now, I am enjoying his renewed attention.  It’s not essential for our business that he also wants me, but it does not hurt.  Unlike this summer, I now see him once a month, at most, so it has very little impact on my life.  It has no impact on my relationship with anyone else.  I had a very intense relationship with him when A and I were together.  It was non-sexual, non-romantic, but a very close friendship.  He is still one of my best friends.

I get BP.  I know how he thinks.  With him, it’s easy to lose track that he is not orbiting around me because when he is with me, he is so present.  When he leaves, it can be difficult.  The fun, the excitement, the passion, the energy . . . with him, it’s all amazing.  Still, those moments or days are not enough for me to drop my guard with him, not enough for me to welcome him fully into my heart (or elsewhere).  I have never closed the door to him entirely, but we will continue as we are.  There is no reason to make any change.  For now.

Advertisements