This afternoon, I did something I have not done for months: I laced up my kicks and went for a long stroll around the trail. The weather was gorgeous — bright, cloudless, temperature in the 60s — and I had a wonderful time being alone in my thoughts with my iPod.
Part of my stroll was to contemplate my love life, such as it is.
I am dating BFD, I suppose, but I am clearly not his girlfriend. We try to see each other when we can, but he does not appear concerned when we cannot. (Yes, this may be unfair. He seemed annoyed by my schedule this week, but whatever. Also, he was gone all but two days of the last seven — Monday and Thursday. Hmmm, maybe it is unfair.) E and JF believe BFD views me as his girlfriend, which is why he is not so pressed about seeing me: we’re in a relationship already, so it can take a backseat when our schedules demand. Or some such bullshit. He certainly treats me like a girlfriend, but whatever, I have pms brain and I am cranky.
Then we have all the BP stuff. I am not even dating BP. We have not had a real date in almost three months. His indecent proposal truly came out of nowhere. (Dude, wtf was that about?) His seduction technique needs work. I need presents and presence and he has provided neither.
Plus we have all the men who have been trying to get to know me — random people I meet at events, like N, men who try to chat me up at bars. I love knowing they’re there, but seriously, I am not interested.
In addition to pondering my love life, part of my stroll was to get into better shape. I need to get fitter. I am already thin, but I want to lose more body fat (a 3% loss would be “ideal” — for some reason, that correlates to a 3.5 pound fat loss). I want my cardio to improve. I need the fitness element. I hoped it would help with the pms. I think it may have, so I will keep it up as often as I can. (My pms brain is better than it’s been in days and I am in no pain.) I am hoping that the loss of body fat comes without a significant loss in size. I am happy where I am size-wise and I do not want to get thinner. I am comfortable enough with my body that I wore fitted yoga pants on the trail, but I want my ass to be higher and tighter, my thighs less flabby. I mean, I am happy where I am, but better is always better, right?
My biggest insight from the trail is that I have to seize more control — over my life and my relationships and my career. I spend so much time with people who are utterly unavailable, or focused on things beyond those I can control. It is incumbent upon me to push myself always to go after and get what I want. I know, for the most part, what I want. I feel like I am close to getting it, too. I mean, I could be wrong and everything might head off the rails shortly, but what I want seems close.
That said, I think BFD is back and he has not called. It’s just as likely he’s not back until tomorrow. (Or, as pms brain reminds me, perhaps he never left at all and just wanted a break. I love pms brain.) Though I would love to hear his voice, I am not calling him tonight. I may not call him tomorrow, either. Frankly, I need a break from the drama in my head. (Perhaps, Bright Eyes’ “Lover I Don’t Have To Love” is the wrong soundtrack for this moment.) I want to tell him how much I appreciate our talk on Thursday night, but I am dealing with too much to worry about him right now. We’re either good or we’re not. If I had to choose between him and BP, I would pick BFD. It feels a smarter, healthier choice at this moment. But who knows. I know these are good problems to have.
This weekend, I focused completely on me. I napped yesterday. I did absolutely nothing of consequence. No dates, no events, no hanging out with my friends. I spent many hours listening to music, catching up on dvr’ed tv, and unwinding.
Aside from my crazy pms brain, I feel pretty good. This is a big week, since I am on vacation all next week. I have lots to accomplish and not a lot of time to do it.
I’d like to see BFD before I head home next Sunday, but I have no idea if I will. (I would assume that I will, but between our schedules, who knows?) Pms brain says that’s the true test of what we’re doing. If we don’t see each other, then obviously something is fundamentally wrong and he goes into the “cool to hang out with” pile, but nothing more. Of course, I have nothing to suggest that’s the case.
I am continuing to battle my own brain. BFD has been present and engaged in my life. He is thoughtful and considerate and I have no reason to think his trip has changed anything. I can tell the exercise has helped because it takes me moments to right myself, as opposed to hours.
Tomorrow morning, more exercise and fewer insane musings!