I have written, published, and privatized three posts since Thursday night. All of them are remarkably crazy in parts. (If you read me in rss, you poor thing, you know that.) There are some real things happening, some real things I am upset about, some real things that might make me happy (or not), but mixed into all is the crazy thing happening in my brain.
My PMS is remarkably inconsistent. Every month, I enjoy fatigue, backache, pain, itchiness, and a craving for salt (seriously, I ate salty sunflower seeds for lunch yesterday), which means my weight goes up about 2 pounds. Often, my motivation fades completely, and I get a little cranky. Sometimes, I get hair-trigger anger and I get depressed. In comparison to my days on birth control, I consider my pms now to be a walk in the park.
The most difficult element for me is my inability to accurately evaluate other’s thoughts and motivations. It makes me think completely bizarre things and I cannot easily work my way through. I am constantly battling my own brain, looking for the balance, thinking the crazy thoughts and then struggling to get back to center.
That’s a lot of what has happened over the past three or four days. I know the things I am thinking are illogical, but they are there so I have to experience them and then think my way out of the insanity.
Here is an example: BFD took a brief trip this weekend that he had not mentioned until the day before he left. That bothered me, which was reasonable. He said he needed to decompress, accomplish some sports-related errands, and get evaluated by a new doctor who sees people in his sport, plus he would have the opportunity to see some friends. All of that is reasonable, but it still bummed me out a bit. My reaction was a bit crankier than necessary, but I fought expressing the cranky because it was not reasonable. (It was reasonable to be bothered by the lack of communication about the trip, but not by the trip itself.) In my brain, I was mad. We did not get to see each other this week because of his work and my socialite obligations and it really pissed me off. As he reminded me later when we spoke at length: “I am going away for two days, not two weeks.” Which, duh. PMS = Unreasonably angry. Now, to him, I did not express anger because even my pms brain knew it was not real. When I apologized later for having been cranky he said he had not noticed and I should feel free to express myself when I am cranky or whining or whatever. (He always says this.) Since I know the cranky is not real, I prefer to keep it to myself.
Still, we had an hour-long conversation the night before he left that was extremely important. We spoke about work, we spoke about careers, we spoke about money. He gave me excellent, detailed advice designed to help me sort out my partnership with BP and my career. I told him honestly where I am an expert, where my business had been successful, and why I walked away from it. He got it. He understood why I did what I did, but we both agreed that I had gambled and lost. He gave me great advice to fix it and to never get into this situation again. He was very supportive and I came into that part of the discussion from a position of strength, saying, look, I know where it works and I know I need to get back there. He likes my solution and he has been very encouraging.
At various points this weekend, I have imagined all of the ways BFD will break up with me, all of the things he could say, all of his rationales (spoken and unspoken). I have wondered if he will do it in person or on the phone. I have envisioned it all happening. I have felt the emotions and told myself it is all for the best.
Then, I pull myself back from the brink of madness with two thoughts: (1) this is exactly how I felt last month and we are closer now than we were then (except this time I did not make my friends and family crazy, too); and (2) if that’s the worst thing that happens, I will be okay. I have given him his space this weekend — no calls, no texts, no email, no contact whatsoever. If he uses that time to reconsider things and decide we’re through, I will shrug and move on.
BFD is very special to me and I think he has the potential to be the one. Really. I think that’s why I feel so dramatic and tortured about him. Still, this is not an easy relationship and there are a lot of different factors that may all affect how we progress together (his wealth, our ages, my commitment issues, his narcissism). None of them have caused serious problems yet, but they may as we move forward. (My pms brain insists “if” we move forward. Shut up, pms brain.)
I am irritated, but only slightly, that he has not called me. I should not be surprised because he tends to not check-in from the road. Still, it’s irritating. I could have called him of course, but I wanted to spend the weekend alone, thinking.
Part of what I wanted to think about involved BFD, but much of it centered on the indecent proposal BP made to me on Friday afternoon.
BP told me on Friday that he wanted to take our relationship to the next level and he wants me to be his public girlfriend. Now, in BP’s world, that does not necessarily mean he will be exclusive to me, but he would demand my fidelity. He was so proud of himself and he thought the whole discussion was cute and sexy. I was actually angry — for good reason — and offended — for good reason. He detailed his plans for me and for our relationship.
Because I know BP, he did not need to tell me everything that being his girlfriend would mean, but he did anyway. It would be a significant change in my life and lifestyle. I would move from this place I love to somewhere he feels would be more appropriate. In his mind, he would basically put me into position to fully reach my potential. He would pay for everything — house, housekeeper, wardrobe, car, personal care, etc.
I told him that it does not work for me.
I reminded him that there is a big problem with his plan: that I want to have children within the next 18 months. He said: “Okay, well, when that time comes, I need to approve the father.” (He may have said “donor,” but I was too busy being angry.) Again, he thought this was all cute. In a purely objective way, someone I genuinely care about, who I love really, wants to support and care for me in the manner he feels I deserve. He wants to travel the world with me. He wants me to be the toast of every town in which we set foot. Awesome, right?
Instead of being flattered, I felt whorish. Rather than being his girlfriend, I fear I would feel like his mistress.
It’s just not enough for me. It’s not enough to be one of the women in his life. It’s not enough to share him with the world. Even if I were the preeminent one, there would still be others. Not necessarily who he would sleep with, but he is flirtatious, sometimes outrageously, so I think I would have to deal with that. I mean, I could be wrong — there may be a huge difference between being someone he is dating and his girlfriend, but I think of our trip at the end of August and how he began chatting up a group of women as we strolled along. They were offended on my behalf and he was dismissive of me (“she’s just my lawyer”). I worry that would be the case, always, but with the stakes so much higher.
I have a lot to think about. I did not tell BP about BFD, but I did let him know that I was not necessarily comfortable with the exclusivity. BFD has no idea that I am dating anyone else. Hell, even I do not know if I am dating anyone else. The BP proposal is just so weird and out of left field. I’d like to think it’s part of his obsession with me that waxes and wanes. I am much happier with it there.
I mentioned to BP that the public element may be more than I want. I think it would damage me for people to know that we were involved. Again, it goes back to the mistress thing. I think I would feel like his mistress instead of his partner and I think it would diminish me too much.
But then again, my brain is not yet functioning.
I should be back to normal within the next week and I will contemplate all of these things again. Until then, I make no decisions, no choices, except to protect myself. I need to leave my options open for as long as possible.