I only have time to capture some quick, random thoughts. I feel better, except I have a pounding headache all of a sudden. I feel like I am finally winning the battles I have been fighting over the last week. I have been fighting them in my own head and in my relationships with my friends.
I feel like yesterday’s resolution to take more control is working well so far. I am asserting more control over everything and I am seeing success so far.
Exercise and PMS
I feel better than I have felt in a week.
The only change: 2 straight days on the trail for 75 minutes+ each day. I still have pms, but my brain feels like it’s fully functioning — or at least not pms-addled. I am having no insane thoughts. Instead, I am seeing clearly, developing solutions.
I know exercise is my key to get through the next week. I have no excuses. My knee has been hurting, but it’s fine when I am out there and fine when I get back. My feet are a little sore, but again, nothing is keeping me from putting my cardio in.
I have a fitness goal and a personal goal. My fitness goal is losing at least 3 pounds of body fat. My personal goal is tightening everything up so I feel less flabby next to Mr. 8 Pack BFD. Seriously, his body is insane.
My weight is stable. I am up maybe a pound with water weight, but still well within my revised preferred range: 119-121.
I only got an hour of sleep but I am so energized I made two dishes today: a new caramelized onion, spinach, and feta crustless quiche at lunch and a cream of tomato soup at dinner. Both of them turned out beautifully.
I am kind of shocked by my cooking ability. I credit years of restaurant eating and food tv watching. Turning simple ingredients into meals is so gratifying. Now, I have breakfast and lunch for the rest of the week and at least three more tomato soup servings (though I had 2 tonight, since I cold not stop eating it).
BFD on Track
BFD called me this evening from home.
His cell was broken, as his assistant had told me, but it broke on the way there, with no apple store at his destination. I had been giving him his space to decompress, but he was frustrated he was completely out of contact with everyone.
His first question to me: what did I miss? Um, nothing. I told him I just relaxed all weekend. He said we’d speak tomorrow and get together this week.
I can’t wait to see him. I really miss him. All the insane thoughts had already melted away by this afternoon’s exercise, but I am so glad I only thought them and wrote them down rather than expressing anything to BFD or to the guys.
Everything is exactly as it has been — we’re solid and I am very happy.
Things are not going to be turning out so well for our BP.
Perhaps his strategy of being hurtful and then distant for 6 weeks and expecting things to remain the same was ill-conceived. When he made his grand gesture, he failed to notice I was already gone.
Still, I have to be strategic about the whole thing, so I am telling him that we’re not going to be dating so long as I am depedent on him financially. That will do one of two things: speed along how quickly I am independent financially or convince him to move on. Both work for me. Yay. Plus, it’s absolutely true.
I am not comfortable even considering dating him while I am dependent. It’s creepy. I received some interesting news about our deal, so I may not be dependent upon him much longer anyway. When I went out with him this summer, it was when we were on the verge of closing so the financial dependence thing felt temporary. Now months have passed with no change except he has been more distant and difficult. Not the best package, dear.
I put a moratorium on discussions with my friends about my relationship with BFD. E had me reconsider with respect to him, but we both agreed Jerk Face and W were useless.
Still, I told W today about BP’s grand gesture. He was supportive of my strategy. He also encouraged me to reach out to BFD, but the fact is I am giving them no details on anything.
I had an IM conversation with JF tonight about it. I told him we were done talking about it, period. He said initially, “its not the discussion of it, but i dont think you realize some of the flip flopping you were doing. eventually you blamed a lot on pms.” I explained to him that I have to battle my own brain to be balanced right now, which is why i am not talking about it and instead writing it in my journal (ahem, here) and sorting through it on my own. His response is so perfect a summation of our relationship, especially coupled with his initial statement: “you should never feel like you couldnt talk to me, you have always been there for me, so i will always be there for you, even if i am not the nicest about it.”
That may be the truest thing he has ever said to me. I love him dearly, I do, but he drives me up a freaking wall.