Last night was my 6th date with BFD in the 8 weeks since we have known each other. I am amused that two people so intelligent and articulate could fail so completely in basic relationship knowledge and communication skills.
Rewind to two weeks ago: BFD and I had a fabulous date — I thought. A great dinner, great conversations, great sex, great post-sex naked cuddling and talking. We ended the evening at my house (for football, sex, and cuddling), which took about an hour — just enough quality time without him breaking out in hives from exposure to the cat. Again. At some point after the date, and I do not remember exactly when, I mentioned to him how pleased I was with such an efficient date. I meant that sincerely: dinner, conversation, sex, cuddling, hive-free — success! He heard: “our dates feel rushed.”
As a result, last night, he was a bit standoffish physically since he knew it was going to be a relatively short evening with us both traveling today. He hugged and kissed me when we got to his house and we snuggled on the sofa, but while there was physical comfort, there was a lack of physical intimacy. We were both touching each other, but not in a sexual way. Just in a comfortable, coupley way. He had his legs in my lap, or or wrapped around me as a laid on a pillow on his stomach. We were close, but there was obvious physical distance coming from him.
After we had dinner and finished watching the game and other tv, he said okay, I need to take you back so I can pack. I said, um, wait a minute, you’re not going to [have sex with] me? He said, you want to??? I told him honestly that I’d been thinking about it for the last 10 days. He said “I’ve been thinking about it for 2 weeks, but you said our last date was efficient, so I thought since we didn’t have a lot of time . . .” I said, BFD, efficient is good.
Sex for us is easy. We love the same things. We are very attracted to each other. Would I love to spend hours in bed with him, followed by hours of talking and bathing, followed by hours in bed? Sure. (We have done that and it was great.) Is that realistic for us right now? Hell, no. Still, when he heard “efficient” he thought it was a criticism and assumed he shouldn’t make a move unless we had hours to luxuriate in each other’s presence.
Duuude, you’re killing me with this nonsense.
We had sex, of course, which was excellent, of course. We had a minor miscommunication I will need to clarify. During sex, he said that he loved something in particular. I laughed and said “you love everything” and he sounded hurt and said, “I only do this with you.” Honey, I know that. You’re too dumb to juggle multiple women. I really like you, so I put up with your stupidity and missteps, as you put up with mine.
We spoke in the car for a bit on the way back here, and I said, look, I am always ready for sex. He said, well, I am old [he’s not], I just didn’t know that it was okay [to have it not be a big production]. I said, well, now we have discussed it and you know. We kissed a bit more than usual in the car because it will be at least a week before we’re both back. I think he will miss me as much as I will miss him.
We are both so dumb about relationships. I have no idea how to date. Neither does he. Rather than talk about it, we just assume things and get them wrong. We misunderstood each other and acted in a way contrary to our own interest in order to please the other, and end up making neither of us happy. At least this time, we straightened out the misunderstanding in time to do something about it.