Last night, as I sat alone in the airport terminal, I wrote this:
I have been doing a lot of thinking about [our sixth date] and us. First, I like us. I really do. I like you and I like how your brain works. I enjoy the time we spend together whether we’re in the same physical space or not.
I keep seeing you in the faces of the people around me. Your eyes, your smile, your profile. Everywhere I look, I see you. It’s only been 8 weeks since we met, but you are present. You are here because I am here.
I have been laughing to myself all day about how horrible we are at the dating thing. Seriously, we kinda suck at dating. We have a hesitance that is temporary. I know I hold back things and I know you do too because we are trying to evaluate where things may go and what we should reveal and when. So, we’re in this thing together, trying to gauge what to say and how to react anticipating what the other may say and how the other may react, all the while fucking it up over and over again. I know I have said tone-deaf things to you, given your response. I know you have said things to me that have been crushing, overcome only by the passage of time and the introduction of new data points. Seriously, we just have not been able to get this thing right.
It’s not that we’re not capable, it’s that this is important. It’s serious. It’s moving forward and it’s exhilarating and terrifying. I want to fast forward past some of the current stuff to get to the point where we’re comfortable saying hey, this is really who I am, this is what I mean. We are subconsciously giving each other that kind of space so far, but the adjustments we make are too much sometimes. You refusing to make an overture because I made an offhand remark you misinterpreted . . . it’s adorable. Now that I have been able to say to you “I am always interested” we hopefully put all of that to rest.
We need to keep giving each other space to be ourselves in this relationship. I think, in general, we do a good job. I know that you appreciate that I give you your space.
I am charmed that you want me involved in everything in your life. I love that you invite me to business dinners, even though we’ve not successfully attended one. I know you want me to attend the class you’re taking to rehab your injury (your “if you were taking it, your legs wouldn’t be shaking” message was received, you brat). I know you intend for us to spend time together participating in a bunch of different sports-related activities that are important to you. I enjoy hearing your tactics in dealing with your partners, employees, and staff. I like knowing what you’re dealing with and I appreciate that you want me to understand what you do and how you do it.
Our physical connection is tight. I am probably more affection than you are, but then you may be holding back as I am. It’s all so hard to say. You were so affectionate and aggressive in the beginning and it’s lessened a bit. At some point, we’ll take a longer drive and we’ll work some of this out in the car. These feel like car conversations. Long stretches of uninterrupted time. Then again, we’ve accomplished these conversations on the phone. We are just trying to figure it all out, without speaking to much about it. I didn’t realize the impact some of what I say has on you, but I am slowly seeing that.
We will figure this all out. I am confident we’re not going anywhere. We will keep muddling along and unintentionally offending each other and kicking our own asses for not making moves because we thought the moves might not be received. (Like when I failed to answer the door naked . . .)
You were so sweet in the car last night on the way home. I should have held your hand. I wanted to. When we arrived, I was glad you hugged me tightly. This is going to be a rougher week for me than when we’ve been apart in weeks past because I am going to be less busy.
I know you’re back on Saturday. I told you I will be back before then, but I am likely gone for days longer after spending time here with BP. BP is already anticipating when I will leave him for you, though he does not yet know you exist. He wanted specifics written into our new contract for when I get married, have children, etc. I know it’s too early to know whether we will get there, but that’s the road we’re on. It’s hard to believe since we have known each other for so little time, but we are connected. We’re present. We’re here.
I keep looking for you, though I know you’re two thousand miles away. I miss you, though you’re not really gone. I feel you here. I see you around me. It’s beautiful and scary.