Each of our dates contains so many missed opportunities.
For Date Seven, I think of the number of times I could have touched BFD while we were seated next to each other at dinner, or how long he waited for me to move next to him to I could lay in his arms post-sex. I don’t know why I don’t throw my arms around his waist and hug him more often. I don’t know why I am so physically standoffish.
I think I am still carrying some baggage from my relationships with A and BP — I am nervous about initiating physical contact because they were so weird about it. I think I am afraid to be vulnerable with him, to put myself too far out there, to reach out too much and end up pushing him away. I know it doesn’t make much sense. Well, it does make sense, but it’s fucked up.
Part of my problem is that I have BP in my life. Technically, we sort of ended things forever on Friday, even though we have not had a real date since August. We speak all the time, but it’s been over since before I met BFD. Still, there is a part of me that keeps holding back because of the BP complications: just because I am not dating BP does not mean that he wants me dating anyone else.
Part of my problem is that I really like BFD but I have no idea what I am doing. I should probably tell him that at some point. I am nervous all the time about fucking something up because I have no idea what I am doing. I don’t know how to date.
Bigger problem: he’s my boyfriend, so he gets insulted when I don’t seem to realize that. I still can’t type that without wanting to put massive qualifiers: I think he’s my boyfriend; I guess he’s my boyfriend. We are monogamous. We see each other fairly regularly. We speak daily. I mean, I guess he’s my boyfriend. Why can’t I just say it like it is. BFD is my boyfriend. I should friend him on facebook instead of just checking out his profile.
I made my first real overture to him last night — an invitation to dinner, prepared by me — which he rejected. Still, I made it and that was a good thing. I will try again. I will try to be more physically affectionate with him. We now kiss upon seeing each other, always initiated by him, but it does not need to be that way. He has started always coming to the door, though it’s a pain to park and come upstairs. He does not always walk me up, but he has a few times, including last night.
When I am with him, I tend to get very nervous and reservered. When I am sitting here, thinking about him, I just beam. He is far from perfect, but I find his foibles endearing.