I have been rereading my own journal here and coming to grips with the fact that everything between me and BFD is exactly where it should be.

I am crazy about him.  I think he’s crazy about me.  We are doing perfectly well.  We’re adorable and affectionate and everything is really good.  It’s hard that I was gone for two weeks, and that he had been gone for two weeks before that.  We just don’t have much time to spend together, but we are fine.  Better than fine, we’re great.

I have been making myself insane about everything because I have not wanted to accept truly that he is my boyfriend.  I keep thinking that we’re just dating.  Every mistake and error has seemed monumental because the stakes seem so high.  Except they are not monumental.  We keep making mistakes and keep overcoming them.  Our conversations are great.  We have been opening up more, sharing more, being more affectionate. We have started calling each other pet names almost exclusively.

Last night, he called me, a couple of hours earlier than I usually call him.  It was such a nice surprise, except . . . he had thrown his back out and awakened Monday in pain, unable to move.  I had no idea — I didn’t speak with him on Monday because I was out with friends and got home too late.  When he told me, I upbraided him for not calling me.  He teased me, but I said, look, if it’s important, I would be there for you and take care of you.  He said, what could you have done?  I told him I could have cooked, fetched water up and down the stairs, anything he would need.  He told me he was perfectly capable of hitting keys on the microwave by himself.  Still, he was grateful for the offer and it’s just another reminder that we’re in this thing together.  He’s such a bachelor, but having a girlfriend does mean that you have someone who cares for you when you’re ailing.  By yesterday, he was improved enough that he was packing for his trip as we spoke.  Unlike his last trip for this, he’s only going from Friday to Sunday — two fewer days.  At some point, I will have to go with him, but I am trying to postpone that for as long as possible since he told me he wants to participate and not just stay at the hotel and read, get spa treatments, and eat bon bons.  (Or, knowing me, shop!)

I made some important decisions in terms of how I deal with him.

I will tell him when I want to see him. I have been relatively passive in terms of setting dates.  I would wait for him to ask me or I would raise something fairly last minute (literally, hey, I am heading to this art thing in an hour, interested?).  Last night, I told him I wanted to see him.  I knew it’s my last chance this week between my BP meeting and his trip, so I just told him “I want to see you tomorrow.”  His response, okay, “I’ll come over, we’ll have sex and then grab [dinner].”  How could I not love this guy?  Once I told him that we can have sex without it being a big production, everything is much easier.  I love that we do reverse dates — sex then food makes so much more sense to me.

I will relax in his presence. I can make mistakes and it will be okay.  If he’s not into whatever, it’s not a big deal. We are in a relationship and I need to just chill out.

I will be more affectionate. If I feel like wrapping my arms around him or holding his hand, I will.  I will not wait for him to make the first move every time.

I will accept that we are in an exclusive relationship. We are.  We have been.  We will be.  It’s been obvious for so long, and I can deny it no longer.

I will continue to support him with enthusiam. He cares deeply about his sport.  I will continue to ask him good questions to let him know I am listening and that I care, even though it’s not my cup of tea.  He appreciates the enthusiasm and support.  We had an interesting talk about a shift to his equipment that will mean he will not be as competitive this season, but should pay great dividends next year.  Though he knows I don’t know anything about what he does except what I have watched on tv or on the net, he knows I am there for him completely.

My new plan with BFD is all simple things, most of which I have already begun to implement.  I have been fighting myself, trying to protect myself, and screwing things up in the process.  As with everything else in my life, I have to give myself permission to take control over my own happiness and not be afraid of exerting my power.

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