BFD and I had our first almost fight tonight.

It’s not a real fight.  He is frustrated by his workload, I am frustrated by his calendar, and he snapped at me a little.  He described, in frustration, the scale of what he’s dealing with.

At this, I exploded — for me — “do you think I don’t know what you’re doing?  Or how hard you’re working?  Do you think I am giving you a hard time about your schedule?  Do you really think that?”  Now, all of this was said in just a slightly more aggressive tone than normal.  No raised voice. Just coldness.

We wrapped in about 14 minutes because he did not want to talk anymore.  We discussed in brief his schedule, confirmed we’d not see each other before the holidays, and I reminded him I booked a day with him for the first weekend in January . . . three weeks away.

Something about it felt off, so I did something I have only done once before . . .

I called him three minutes later to say look, I get it, and I don’t want you to think I am giving you a hard time about your work.  He, by this point, was calm but exasperated: “[Plan], you don’t have to apologize.  No one did anything wrong.  You didn’t have to call me.  I just don’t feel like talking since I spent all this time on the phone today [blah, blah, blah].”

He assured me repeatedly that we are fine and everything is fine.  I told him I knew that, I just wanted to be sure that he didn’t think I was trying to interfere.

I am still upset about it.  I am torn, really.  I don’t want him to think I don’t understand and appreciate what he does.  I told him on call 2 that I may be one of the few people in the world who truly gets what he’s dealing with.  (Because he is so much more successful than I am, I swear I heard his eyes roll at that, but again . . . pms.)  BUT, while I want to be supportive, I also want him to understand that I am irritated that we cannot see each other.  It’s a balance between support and allowing his schedule to roll over me.  According to my New New Romance Plan, I am telling him when I want to see him.

He mentioned two things in call 1 that really bothered me.  First, one reason we can’t see each other is he is having house guests again.  Grrrr.  Even though he is scheduled to be back in town on Thursday, he’s not available to me.  Second, one reason he is working so hard is so that he can take a lot of time off in early 2009.  Now, I know this, intellectually, but emotionally, it bugs me.  He is not going to be spending that time with me . . . he will be [participating in a sport].  He has issued a blanket invitation for me to join him, but I don’t [do it], I have no equipment, and I cannot imagine anything less fun.  I would prefer to use the time he is away to be productive so I can spend time with him when he is here.

I am still upset about the whole conversation, though he kept telling me everything is fine.  The funniest thing is that I know everything is fine because I am just mad and frustrated.  I never thought, “I can start dating,” which honestly I have thought every other time I have been irritated with him.  I am debating shooting him an email to say, “argh, pms” but I think I am better off leaving it alone.

I told him I would not be calling him this week (he’s traveling and super-busy), but I may shoot him a text tomorrow and just let things settle back down to normal.  They are already fine, as he said.  We’re allowed to get cranky and irritated with each other.  He was not even irritated with me, just with his circumstances . . . at least until I called him back.

I miss him so much, but really I am missing him in anticipation of missing him.  Last week, he said it only feels like it will be a long time because we’re on the front side of it.  It won’t be so bad once we’re in it.  It’s true — it’s the holidays messing with our schedules and we will both be very busy and engaged in other things.  I just hate that I don’t get to see him for so long.

I freaked out a little because he was so cold and distant in our conversation.  I should have called him earlier or not at all.  He may have been normal and I interpreted it incorrectly, but there was definitely cold and distance.  It did not have anything to do with me, but it affected me and how I felt.  The whole short conversation just upset me because we never connected.  I felt like he wasn’t getting what I was saying and he was largely absent.  That’s why I called him back . . . to try to rearticulate it, but I failed there, too, and he spent 3 minutes reassuring me, which was never the point.