I know I am losing my mind over the BFD thing.  I know I do this every month at this time.  I know this.

Still, it feels real.

He is not calling me.  He is not texting me.  We have had a bit of tension for the first time and we have not seen each other for more than a week.  Now, all of this makes sense given his schedule, but it feels bad. 

I wrote this last month:

Then, I pull myself back from the brink of madness with two thoughts: (1) this is exactly how I felt last month and we are closer now than we were then (except this time I did not make my friends and family crazy, too); and (2) if that’s the worst thing that happens, I will be okay.  I have given him his space this weekend — no calls, no texts, no email, no contact whatsoever.  If he uses that time to reconsider things and decide we’re through, I will shrug and move on.

BFD is very special to me and I think he has the potential to be the one.  Really.  I think that’s why I feel so dramatic and tortured about him.  Still, this is not an easy relationship and there are a lot of different factors that may all affect how we progress together (his wealth, our ages, my commitment issues, his narcissism).  None of them have caused serious problems yet, but they may as we move forward.  (My pms brain insists “if” we move forward.  Shut up, pms brain.)

A month later and I feel the same feelings.  I think he’s breaking up with me.  Again.  I think he has other people in his life.  Again.  It does not make any sense.  Logically, I know we’re either together or we’re not.  He is a man who tells the truth, so if we were not together he would probably let me know.

I spoke with E’s girlfriend K, who I just adore.  She explained, plainly, that BFD always speaks his mind, so if there were problems, he would tell me.  Oh, sure, if you want to bring logic and history into it.

We would not be sleeping together if he is sleeping with someone else.  We actually had the whole monogamy talk and I know it was important to both of us.  Especially since we have unprotected sex.  Yes, I know, but we’re clean and vigilant and monogamous.  It’s possible he may decide to dump me for someone else, but it’s hard for me to imagine him finding someone with whom he is as well-suited who will put up with his nonsense.

Why must my pms suck so badly?  Why must BFD be so freaking uncommunicative at times?

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