On Friday night, I am home, warm and comfy in bed, alone. That had been my plan all along for tonight. BFD was flying back, so I planned to let him get caught up a bit, while I had a nice relaxing evening to myself.
Except he did not fly back on Friday.
His schedule shifted once he became ill, and I learned Thursday that he is not back until late Saturday night, which means my plan to spend the afternoon with him in bed . . . is not happening. At all.
I know him well enough by now to know that I may not see him for another 5 or 6 days. He was already planning to be out of town starting Monday, so he will need to work Sunday. Plus, he’s been either ill or on vacation for 2 weeks, so he will be slammed with work and probably cranky. I am not a big fan of Cranky BFD: he’s easily distracted, our dates are short, and it’s hard to really connect.
I just checked the calendar. This was our only weekend this month. He is traveling the next two weekends; though he does not yet know it, I am scheduled out for the third (and I am booked for a board retreat if I am here); and he’s traveling the final weekend in January.
For the past two weeks, BFD has been distant and Cranky, inundated with work and stress, ill, and busy with family obligations. I understand, but it still saddens me. We had always known from Thanksgiving through the end of the year would be challenging, but this has been rougher than I had thought. It’s not because we don’t see each other — not only, I mean — it’s that we have not been communicating well. That has to change.
We have to revert back to our pre-Tension level of communication with nightly check-ins. It’s just not optional. I have been so hurt by his neglect and his absence is so real for me. I hate reaching out to him and finding him not there. I hate feeling like I am bothering him. I hate missing him.
Sunday marks 3 months since our first date — the Best First Date Ever. I keep telling myself what BFD has told me — that this is temporary, this terrible part of our calendar, and that things will be improving in January. I know that and I believe him, but it’s so frustrating. I had been counting down the days until we were back together. Once it was under a week, it felt so easy. Now, who knows? Even if I see him on Sunday, it will be a long time until we are able to spend any significant time together.
We have been invited to spend a weekend in San Antonio with E and K. San Antonio is filled with gorgeous hotels and great restaurants and it’s about a 90 minute drive from here. Though it is tempting, the idea of a long weekend together, I declined because I know we have one weekend out of the next 8 to see each other — Valentine’s Day. Knowing that I am already looking two months ahead instead of making plans to find a new man (or reconnect with an old one) reminds me that we are fine.
Throughout our relationship, I have been the one unsteady, the one uncertain, the one holding back. I have so many things I am dealing with that I kept holding him a bit at arm’s length — treating him like a man I am dating instead of my boyfriend, holding back my enthusiasm and joy, being physically distant when opportunities abound for me to engage. I began to shift things, to be more open, right before I left and things just got better from there. More real, more solid.
I really have no idea what the future holds for us. I do not know that we will be able to make it. It is difficult to spend so much time apart so early in a relationship. I could look back at my list, but I think we’re holding firm at eight dates in three months.
Because I enjoy being independent, being alone, things with BFD work for me, until I start to feel lonely . . . until time I had planned for us to be together collapses under the weight of his schedule. So far, there are no alarms sounding for me. There is an unease, but no panic, no kicking in of the fight or flight. I am (mostly) steady in this, taking advantage of an extremely lazy day to watch movies, stay in bed, and be alone.