I have now broken through 2 successive “omg I can’t go below this” floors. My goal weight was 125, but my fantasy goal was 120. I promised everyone that I would stop at 120, but I didn’t, justifying that 120 should be the average weight, so 119-121 was okay. I promised myself that 118 was absolutely it.
When stepped on the scale this morning and realized I dropped 1.2 pounds from yesterday, I was excited. Excited I dropped more weight and excited that I broke through 118. My first thought was “yes!” My second thought was “oh, shit.” My third thought was “I could hit 115” . . . and then float to 118 when I get pms.
You might think, “it’s just a pound.” Yes, it is just a pound, but each pound I drop empowers me to lose another pound.
I started to write this all yesterday, before I lost another pound: “I know that I am right on the cusp of saying, ‘so 116-118 sounds pretty good, so I can float up to the weight I love.’ I have been whittling myself down using that same logic since the end of August, since I have lost the 10 pounds from 128, which is what BP and A consider my ‘best weight.'”
I have decided to make this post public because I am beginning to get a little nervous. I am not very nervous — only a little nervous. I have been open with my mother, W and JF that I am getting a little nervous.
Warning: it is about to get a little crazy, so read at your own risk of rising bile:
Almost 10 years ago, I originally whittled myself down from a 6/8 at 130-135 to 2/4 at 113-118 for vanity. I was a bit of a socialite and being skinny and looking great in clothes was important. I gained weight thanks to a health problem, and then piled on an additional 25 pounds over a couple of years thanks to stress eating, which I had never done before. It took me a while to get here, but now I can kind of lose weight at will.
I know I have body image problems. I looked at some of the pictures from nye/nyd and thought, wow, I look a little heavy. I almost did not post one picture because my arms looked really fat and I cropped another one because I looked wide. Now, in reality, I know I am skinnier than the gorgeous girl at the nyd party. I could look at the pictures and actually see her body compared to mine and I know I am not gargantuan next to her. I was actually smaller.
BP gives me a hard time about being too thin. He asked the hot bartender last week how much she weighed so he could make the point. (She was a little shorter than I, and I was 6 pounds thinner than she.) A just shakes his head when he sees me. He says I am now thinner than his beautiful friend, who we always considered very thin. (I think he is lying.) I may be thinner than K, though I am 3 inches taller. I have always considered her very petite.
This litany is to remind myself that I am not fat. I mean, obviously, I am not fat.
On nyd, JF told me the three geniuses (W, JF, and E) think I lost the last 10 pounds because I did not have much money. (I easily spend more money and eat far better than any of them.) It never occurred to them it was vanity and then dating an extremely fit, smaller man than I was used to. (BFD is at least 6 inches shorter than BP and 4 than A, if I am being generous to BFD, and weighs at least 60 pounds less than BP, if I am being generous to BP, and 40 less than A.)
I have been intentionally losing weight since October when I began dating BFD, but not quickly and with little fanfare. The first time I saw us reflected back in the walls of mirrors in his bathroom, I actually admitted I could not believe how fat I was compared to him. His response: you’re a woman, you’re supposed to be fatter.
Publicly, I have been drinking wine, eating dessert, and even having pizza a couple of times, chips and salsa, and, at one glorious meal, mac and cheese with truffles. When I am out, I eat pork ribs, steak, tenderloin, etc. Privately, I mostly stick to my original food plan, supplemented with a small kefir smoothie (2/3 c kefir, 1 tbs nuts, 2/3 cup cranberries and/or blueberries), a glass of kefir with cinnamon, or a couple of tablespoons of 2% fage greek yogurt with cinnamon. I eat nuts and cheese with abandon as snacks all day long. I am eating more vegetables than before and I added in higher carb carrots and tomatoes as part of my regular diet.
I know that the balance between the public eating and the private eating helps me maintain my weight. I also know that over the last two weeks I have started to diet again. When I say diet, I mean that I am, with a couple of meal exceptions, eating a fairly strict low carb diet. Not as strict as my first 5 months when I lost so much weight, but stricter than absolutely necessary. I think about each meal. I think about the amount of salt I eat. I have lunch with BP today and I am a little freaked out about it because I know I will probably gain at least half a pound of water alone, no matter what and where we eat.
I am having some clothing problems. All of my 28 jeans are now too big, but still wearable. My 27s fit okay, but they are a bit baggy. I mentioned on nyd something about skinny jeans, and I realized, mine were no longer skinny. My size 4 pencil skirts that I could wear effortlessly throughout the summer and fall look ridiculous. My favorite size 4 sheath, which I wore on my first date with BFD, should be retired because it looks a little baggy. I have been tucking shirts into bottoms and wearing belts and doing all of the things I can to fill out some of my clothes.
But . . .
My body finally looks good. My body fat is about where it should be, give or take 1%. I am on the skinny side of thin, more a 2/4 that a 4. I really like how I look naked.
BFD has not seen me this small. When I met him, I think I was at 123, but I may be mistaken about that, and he consistently sees me at 121 or so with pms, travel, etc. I hate to admit this, to put it here on the page, but the reason I did not drink on ntd, the reason I ate so carefully (while having a bit of chocolate), is that I was two days away from seeing BFD and I wanted to look my best. Seriously. Now, I celebrated on nye, but even then, I did not go crazy, though I did eat potstickers and cake.
That I wanted to diet before I saw BFD was a clue that this was a little off.
My new floor is 115.