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Okay, so I dropped another .8 pound since yesterday and 3 pounds in the past 5 days.

Yesterday was a bad plan day because BP kept delaying me.  I still ate 3 meals and 3 snacks, but my timing was off all day.  I ate more carbs than usual — more vegetables, more blueberries, more kefir — and a little less protein.

In general, my “forever diet” where I eat carefully most all of the time, but indulge when I want, works for me.  My weight remains stable, I have no cravings, and I am always in control of what and how I am eating.  If I want bread pudding, I eat bread pudding and I do not beat myself up about it. It worked all summer when my weight was stable.  I traveled, I ate out 4-5 times/week, I drank (lower carb) margaritas, and my weight stayed at around 128, which was a weight everyone else was happy with.  When I stopped traveling and spending so much time with BP, I dropped 6 pounds in 2 weeks, which was obviously mostly water from sodium-laden restaurant food.

The control part is that I do not bread pudding every day.  I wouldn’t want to.  I don’t comfort myself with food anymore.  It’s just fuel.  I mean, I cook wonderful meals and I use excellent ingredients — lots of organics or local product, everything hormone-free.  I enjoy what I cook — veggie frittatas, quiche, burgers, braised lamb or turkey, vegetable soups with heavy cream.  I eat excellent cheese, I eat nuts all day long.  Because of travel, etc., I have not been making many salads, but I still toss spinach or broccoli with feta or ricotta together as a side dish.  When I travel, I eat as I must, but I pay attention to the basic tenets of my plan: lots of protein, non-starchy vegetables, etc., and staying away from bread unless I really, really want it.  If I do, I have it, like the sweet potato biscuit I had on nyd and the cake I had on nye.

My dilemma now is that each pound I lose makes me want to lose more weight.  That’s the disordered part of my thinking.  Right now, I am on a diet for absolutely no reason.  I want to drop to 115.  I want to weigh 115, which is a thought that never occurred to me until I was consistently under 119.

Wanting to weigh 115 pushes me into my weight loss danger zone, where I suspect that 115 will become 113.  That is my intervention weight.  I have weighed 113 in my 30s.  It’s not a good weight for me.  It’s the weight when normal men started telling me I looked too skinny, that they could count my ribs through my sweater.  (I do not look that kind of thin, though.)  It’s the weight when I felt brittle, where my feet hurt in heels.  I can already feel some discomfort in unpadded or poorly cushioned chairs, but my feet are fine.

I doubt I will lose weight today.  I may see my friends to watch the game, so I may have a glass or two of wine.  But I am already thinking about it, thinking about what I may eat, and wondering if I should skip it until I can lose the next 1.6 pounds.  That is the disordered me.

At this point, I am still in control of it.  I can eat and indulge and still feel okay with myself, but I really want to lose the weight, just to do it.  I don’t think I will look significantly different than I do right now.  I still think my thighs are fat, I still hate the flab above my hip bones, but I love my body.  It’s imperfect, but it’s mine.  I think I see me as I am, but it’s impossible to tell.

The control part is important here.  I do wonder if the weight loss is my way of exerting control right now.  I believe it is mostly for vanity, mostly because I can do it, mostly because I like my body better at this general size and I am afraid I will float up to a weight I don’t like.  I think I look great, despite what BP and A think, and I want to keep looking like this.  But in the back of my mind, I wonder if I am using it as a way of exerting order over my  chaotic life.

I am keeping track of all of this because I know I am on the cusp here.  I think another 2 pounds is okay.  I know another 4 pounds is not.

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