BFD canceled on me tonight to attend to some personal business.
He left a voicemail late afternoon, saying, “hey, I have [this] and [this] to do and I was wondering if we could push to Friday [laughs]. I know it’s ridiculous, but Friday would be better [talks through his schedule for 30 seconds].”
I left him a voicemail an hour later saying, in part, “I am very disappointed, but I have to laugh . . . this is absurd.” I did laugh through the entire voicemail. (I listened to it before I hit send and it hit the right notes — disappointment, frustration, and lack of surprise — while laughing, because seriously, how could you not laugh?)
The more time passed, the angrier I became, thinking, wtf?!!! We’re at like 35 days apart, so far, and he had better things to do than see me!
I called my mother, W, and JF. Each of them said basically, I think he’s just not that into you and your relationship. W, especially kicked the whole, it sucks, he’s a narcissist, and clearly he does not care about you. With W, I took the time to argue BFD’s side — how he has a long view of our relationship, how any one date does not matter, etc. I actually convinced W that BFD does care and he reconsidered his opinion.
As soon as BFD finished, he called from home, and I was audibly pissed off.
He asked what I was doing and I said coldly “nothing, since my plans were canceled.” He said, “look, Plan, I know this is hard . . . january is rough and my schedule is bad, plus you don’t have a car which makes scheduling harder.” (I would argue it’s harder because he lives more than 10 miles away. I live basically downtown; he lives in the hills.)
For us to do anything, he has to drive in to town to pick me up, etc., which is something he has whined about before, especially because he is terribly allergic to the cat, so hanging out here does not really work either.
I told him that i am thinking about getting a car, which I am, as BP and I finalize our deal and launch the company. (There was no reason to have one when I was traveling all the time and getting ready to move out of the country for a few months. Thanks to the global financial crisis, those plans were dashed.) We discussed some specifics and he gave me his opinion about cars and my options, including the dollar options I was considering. He loves the fact that I really do not need one because of where I live, but it has really become a drag for me, for him, and for everyone else. With the new business, it’s become more important that I get one.
Then he said, “why don’t you just get my (second) car. We will split it, you pick up the insurance and you can drive it for as long as you feel like it. If things aren’t working six months from now, just give it back.” Plus, since he doesn’t need the money, there is no stress if I do decide it’s not working. It is a lease, so there is a definite end date, and within the next few months, we’ll know what my cash flow situation will be. He also wants the garage space back and he would not have to pick me up all the time, especially when we are just going back to his house.
There are so many interesting elements to his offer.
First, his car is absolutely perfect for me. It’s a very nice car, with definite style, but no flash. It’s a little quirky and fun. It is also an 07 with about 10k miles on it and meticulously maintained. It was never his primary vehicle, but it is what he drove on our first date and a couple of others.
Second, it’s the best possible financial decision for me. It’s cheaper than any other scenario I could find. (BP said, why doesn’t he just give you the car? Um, because I told him I was buying [or leasing] a car and I am trying to be independent from him. I want him to know I am not interested in him because of what he can do for me. BP, who is situated similarly to BFD but 10 years older, does not understand at all. I said, look, I am a modern woman, it’s important that I stand on my own in my relationship with him. BP laughed.)
Third, there is no commitment and no contract, so if my business does not work, I can just give it back to him.
Fourth, he definitely sees our relationship as solid. Very solid. Solid enough for me to take possession of his car. I was intrigued by the six month comment, as well. It’s as I have always felt from him — I am his girlfriend, we are in a serious relationship, and no one moment, no one missed date, no one argument is a deal-ender.
I know he has always behaved this way. I know from the beginning he has acted as though he were my boyfriend. It’s just so hard to accept that someone I am so crazy about, who I think I want to marry and have little BFDs, is in this and has been. Intuitively, I know this, but my brain and my heart keep trying to keep some distance, some protection. I know I say this to people irl and here and everyone looks at me as though I am insane — that I have been the one causing dissonance, but I have been. BFD is who he is and it’s who he has been. I am the one who keeps fighting what I already know and feel. The amount of time we have been apart has been especially hard on me because I have been here, while he has been traveling.
When someone asks me directly, I often provide the unfiltered answer: I am in love with this man and I have been. I know he is the one for me, though I know it’s hard for everyone else to accept because they don’t really know him. They also know they could not handle a relationship that is so independent, where we spend so little time together. They assume since he is not moving mountains for us to spend time together that he’s not really in this. But, I know the truth: we are together and we have been, so why move mountains?
We rescheduled the ninth date and it’s a doozy. Starting on Friday at noon, with lunch, a sports-related activity we’ve been planning for two months, and sex, not necessarily in that order. He told me I am welcome to take out all my anger at him during our activity and I am just competitive enough to be as excited about that opportunity as about every other part of the date.
He leaves early Saturday for a week of competition, while I am supposed to be away on a business trip, so perhaps our schedules will be finally syncing up.