No more weight loss. This is my second day below 116, but I am really done with the weight loss.
Except . . .
I had dinner with BP last night (more on that elsewhere) and he said “have you put on weight? your face looks a little fuller, and your clothes are fitting better. you look great!”
He thought I had put on 2-3 pounds, which would have put my weight at 121-122, from when I saw him on the 30th.
He meant I looked better, but I felt a sense of panic: “I look fat???? I need to lose more weight!”
What woman wants to hear her face looks fuller? How is that ever a compliment?
He clarified that I had been looking gaunt, so I look better. Again, BP, not a compliment.
When I stepped on the scale this morning, I was relieved to see my weight was 115.4.
I recognize that is not healthy.
I also recognize that no matter what he says to me, or what anyone says to me, I cannot take it as a signal or as an impact on my plan.
I did not diet after he made his comment. I did nothing, but I do wonder how I would have reacted had the numbers on the scale been a little different this morning.
Even a 3 pound weight gain would still have been over a pound loss from the last time I saw him two weeks ago. My clothes from last night obviously fit me better than the clothes I had worn at dinner two weeks ago. Amazing what a tightly cinched belt can do. I think paradoxically my recent weight loss has enabled me to wear my skinny jeans a little higher on my hips, so they look less baggy. They are slightly less comfortable over my hip-bones than under, but they look better higher.
It is possible that BP is one of only two people in my life to whom I have not disclosed my mild eating disorder. It is possible he does not know, or is not aware of the impact of such statements on me.
I have not disclosed to BFD either. He is aware I am mostly carb phobic (eating a burger sans bun and eating only sashimi when we dine on sushi), but we have shared pizza and cookies. Frankly, we may have that talk tonight, since I have lost 5 pounds since I last saw him a little over a month ago. He may not notice: I was thin before and I am thin now. I think my body looks better naked than it did 5 pounds ago, so maybe he will be able to tell.
I do not think I look much different less 5 pounds. BP thought I looked better now (thinner), though he thought I was heavier.
I listened to what BP said, it affected me briefly, and then I dismissed it.
What I do realize is that I finally hit the perfect weight for my body. Apparently, 115 is it.