No more weight loss.  This is my second day below 116, but I am really done with the weight loss.

Except . . .

I had dinner with BP last night (more on that elsewhere) and he said “have you put on weight?  your face looks a little fuller, and your clothes are fitting better.  you look great!”

He thought I had put on 2-3 pounds, which would have put my weight at 121-122, from when I saw him on the 30th.

He meant I looked better, but I felt a sense of panic: “I look fat????  I need to lose more weight!”

What woman wants to hear her face looks fuller?  How is that ever a compliment?

He clarified that I had been looking gaunt, so I look better.  Again, BP, not a compliment.

When I stepped on the scale this morning, I was relieved to see my weight was 115.4.

I recognize that is not healthy.

I also recognize that no matter what he says to me, or what anyone says to me, I cannot take it as a signal or as an impact on my plan.

I did not diet after he made his comment.  I did nothing, but I do wonder how I would have reacted had the numbers on the scale been a little different this morning.

Even a 3 pound weight gain would still have been over a pound loss from the last time I saw him two weeks ago.  My clothes from last night obviously fit me better than the clothes I had worn at dinner two weeks ago.  Amazing what a tightly cinched belt can do.  I think paradoxically my recent weight loss has enabled me to wear my skinny jeans a little higher on my hips, so they look less baggy.  They are slightly less comfortable over my hip-bones than under, but they look better higher.

It is possible that BP is one of only two people in my life to whom I have not disclosed my mild eating disorder.  It is possible he does not know, or is not aware of the impact of such statements on me.

I have not disclosed to BFD either.  He is aware I am mostly carb phobic (eating a burger sans bun and eating only sashimi when we dine on sushi), but we have shared pizza and cookies.  Frankly, we may have that talk tonight, since I have lost 5 pounds since I last saw him a little over a month ago.  He may not notice: I was thin before and I am thin now.  I think my body looks better naked than it did 5 pounds ago, so maybe he will be able to tell.

I do not think I look much different less 5 pounds.  BP thought I looked better now (thinner), though he thought I was heavier.

I listened to what BP said, it affected me briefly, and then I dismissed it.

What I do realize is that I finally hit the perfect weight for my body.  Apparently, 115 is it.