I fucked up today and BFD and I split up.  It’s unclear if it’s permanent.

Actually, it’s unclear if we actually split up.

The entire discussion was via text while he sat in an airport and stressed completely out.  I needed to postpone our plans for tomorrow by a couple of hours, giving him the opportunity to say no, which was okay.  He initially agreed.  His schedule was inflexible, so we rescheduled for tonight.  A couple of hours later, I shifted my plans for tomorrow, so that I would be available all day.  I texted to let him know, thinking, hey, more flexibility.

Then, all hell broke loose.  He told me “maybe we need to take a step back” until after January.


BFD basically asked if we could stop trying to make plans for the rest of January. He has been telling me how terrible this month is.  He said,  “I try to be optimistic and make plans only to [cancel them] which makes me anxious and you pissed.”  He texted me how terrible he feels every time he has to cancel, and how he just needs to focus on wrapping up the next two weeks.  (This went on for 8 messages from him over 20 minutes.)

I replied back a little while he was still sending them, mostly to say that I was trying to process what he was saying.  While he was en route, I replied back that I certainly understand and appreciate his calendar.  I told him that I hated being a cause of anxiety for him and in fact I hoped I was a respite.

Meanwhile, I was trying not to cry.

Some of his messages had come in out of sync and the whole thing just sucked.  When I relayed the messages, synched in order, I was told yet again by JF that I was retarded.

I then decided to discuss the messages with “my other boyfriend,” “my secret boyfriend,” the other man in my life.  BP said, dismissively, “it’s just the guy you’re having sex with, what’s the big deal.”  Then he realized, “oh, you really care about this guy.”  Yeah, fucking awkward.

So, I told BP what BFD said, since apparently I am a gigantic asshole who does not care about BP’s feelings.  At first, he said, oh, that doesn’t sound good, but then he put BFD in context and said with a bit of admiration “That’s a businessman thing to say.”  (It’s something BP admitted he would say.)  And after a pause, “he loves you.”

That’s just fucking awesome.  I am dealing with the grief at the end of the relationship with BFD and now I have hurt BP.  Now, granted, BP breaks up with me all the time (including today! when he told me this afternoon that there could never be anything between us — because I was with BFD, I was now cut off forever [he explained graphically where those lines would be drawn]). (As usual, he later explained how at some point, after BFD and I break up, we could have a relationship.  Of course.)  (Argh.)

That is where I left it, thinking, well, it’s done.  I am not calling him, not reaching out to him.  I pondered whether come February we could be friends.

Imagine my surprise when he called me after he got home.

He said “look I am really sorry, but I am incredibly stressed out and anxious and I just don’t have any flexibility, so when I make plans, I have to stick to them.”  (Ahem.)

Then he immediately asked me to dinner for tomorrow, something early, casual, and in my general vicinity, so he could pack.  I mentioned a great Mexican place I love, and he said, it’s just so calorie-laden.  That’s my little crazy guy.  Instead, as usual, sushi.

I was still all sad and freaked and now I have a date with him?

He told me a lot of what is going on, and why things are so bad, and what he is doing to alleviate it.  Then we talked a little about my business, which he still does not have a handle on.

At this point, something weird happened to my phone system.  We both use high-tech systems — mine even more so than his.  It took me three or four minutes to bring everything online, so in the interim I called him directly without using my system. We spoke for another couple of minutes and confirmed our plan for tomorrow as he got back to work.

So, though I have a date scheduled, I have no idea where we stand.  I don’t know how I feel.  I don’t know what any of any of this means.  We keep trying to see each other and failing.  He still tells me everything about his business, his partnerships, his expenses, etc.  We sort of decided that I would lease one of his cars from him.

What I always overlook from him is how incredibly stressed out he is all the time.  What I never considered was how anxious and overwrought he gets about our relationship.  I mean, I know that he tends to overcompensate when I say things and that he overreacts when I complain about something (like my efficient comment, or when I accidently burned myself — he felt terrible about it and mentioned it weeks later, still sheepishly claiming responsibility).

I forget how sensitive he is, how anxious he becomes, how difficult all of this is on him.  I really tend to think only about myself, my pain, my frustration.  I laugh when I remember his plaintive “I keep getting stood up too, by my own schedule!”  I thought that was absurd, but it is true.  He’s not in control right now.  Yes, he is choosing to take a sports trip, but even that is not working out well for him.

I look forward to seeing him tomorrow, though I think we are no longer together, at least for a while.