My ex “A” and I have known each other for almost 9 years, through skinniness and fatness, in sickness and in health.
We are still very close. Close enough he comes over at least once a week to hang out and watch stuff on the dvr, close enough he stays at the condo and cat-sits for me when I travel, close enough that some of our neighbors still think he lives here. (Yeah, that part is a little awkward, since I have a boyfriend who is here from time to time.)
Last night, he showed up at the condo, walked in, and just started shaking his head. When I asked him “what?” he said, “you know.” I was wearing a black t-shirt and a pair of true religion jeans (not skinny, size 27). Whenever he looked at me, he shook his head. I asked if he wanted to know, he declined, but guessed “115.” When I said, “yes,” that only lead to more head shaking.
I asked if he wanted to call my mother, but he declined. I kept telling him that this was it, and I was stopping. He gave me an unconvinced “uh-huh.” He reminded me I said that at 125, 120, and 118. He said, “what’s next? 109?”
He reminded me that I “have an eating disorder,” so anything I say about my weight “is complete and utter bullshit.” I told him I was finally happy with my body, that I think I look good. I finished it with, “I mean, I am going to get in better shape, but . . .” Yes, I see his point.
As we were driving along later, I mentioned how funny it is to me that he and BP both picked 128 as the weight at which I looked my best. He said, “and you now weigh THIRTEEN POUNDS LESS, right?” Yes. He yelled it again: “thirteen pounds!” Yeah, I get it.
I told him I am honest with almost everyone about the situation, that I have a problem with my body image. Although I did not tell A this, the exclusions are BFD and BP. I think I have mentioned it to BP in passing when he has asked me if I am anorexic. My answer: “no, but …” BFD pays attention to how I eat, but I do not think he noticed that I lost another 5 pounds since we had seen each other 5 weeks before, or 8 pounds since we met. I do not know that I would feel comfortable volunteering that I have an issue, but I am not sure it would ever come up, since he has his own issue.
I am struggling to eat better and stabilize my weight, but it’s hard when I have pms. This morning, my weight was 116, which did cause me to freak out a little and to think through every morsel of food I ingested yesterday (and to regret the sugar-free cranberry juice, though I believed I needed it). I wish it didn’t. I wish I could take this 1.2 pound gain from yesterday as a normal swing, talk myself through it (bloated, pms, constipated), and not have my first thought be: OMG, what am I not going to eat today?!!!
Technically, it was my first, second, third, and fourth thoughts. I measured out my olive oil for this morning’s frittata, and I have been paying more attention to what I have been eating. That is absolutely ridiculous though, and I know it’s ridiculous. By now, I am talking myself back into some normalcy, but it took longer than it should have.
I think I eat well. I had a hunk of provolone, a handful of baby carrots, and a tbs of peanuts as a snack a little while ago, and I am still making soup tonight. I eat lots of mixed peppers, spinach, onions and garlic, tomatoes, and now carrots. Oh, and edamame, but I portion control that (a 1/4 cup per serving) because I am paranoid about soy (and carbs). I consume frozen blueberries and cranberries daily, along with greek yogurt and kefir. Last night, I sautéed ground turkey, garlic, and peppers together last night and then tossed it with feta for dinner.
But, I know I am more obsessed than I should be. I am happy with how I look now — I really am. I saw BFD and me together reflected in a mirror on Friday and I thought “wow, we look good.” Feeling fat next to him encouraged me to drop weight. He did not care, but I felt huge. Now, I am definitely smaller than he, though he is in much better shape. I admit since I know he weighs more than 45 pounds more than I do and is maybe 3 inches taller (although I doubt it) that I was probably never larger than he, even 8 pounds heavier.
I am still trying to sync up the image I see in the mirror from the one everyone else sees in life. I don’t think I look too thin, despite what BP and A think. This is the perfect size for my body. I walk around, see myself in the mirror, and think “I look great!”
I need to remember that feeling because it is so easy to lose it.