BFD and I had a two hour conversation last night, in which I confessed to him my fears and anxieties about my new business, while he criticized our model, and, by extension, insulted me.

It was awful and uncomfortable and I know he just doesn’t get it.  He also is not getting me in it.

This morning, I was feeling uncomfortable so I called him to clarify a few things.  He said, “I have to be honest with you, I haven’t even thought about it again. . . . I don’t have time to listen to your fears or do some touchy feely Deepak Chopra stuff.”

My heart was already hardening towards him after last night.  Now, it is only getting worse.

I had written three versions of an email I wrote before I called him.  I am not going to send to him, but I will post it here to remind me:

What I discussed with you were my fears, not necessarily my reality or my options.  We were talking money and I wanted you to understand why I was afraid to assume your car lease.  It’s not about the money.  Your offer provided a great (and generous) opportunity.  I preferred the initial offer, of course, but I understand now why that does not work for you.

I am just afraid to take on a permanent obligation.  I was afraid to do it when I discussed other car options and I am afraid to do it now.  I have postponed all of my big purchases that I had scheduled, I have not replaced my computer.  I have not even bought the 3G iphone.  It’s not that I do not believe I will be successful — I have done this before and I have been.  I am just experiencing a tremendous amount of anxiety.

I know I did not explain things well.  It is very difficult for me to be completely unguarded about how terrified I am, but I wanted you to know.  I know you lack history and context, so I know that you can easily evaluate the scenario, hear my fears and concerns, and reach the conclusions you did.

After we spoke, I spoke with [BP] for another hour.  He knows how afraid I am, which is why he offered me an actual salary last week, not the minimum draw I requested.  I would give up my equity (with an option to purchase in after the first year) and take the minimum I threw out (xxx k), plus a portion of revenue for the newco (probably xx%).  I turned him down initially, but I have until the end of the week to accept it.  Honestly, I can’t figure out his angle, which is making me even more anxious.  I mean, I know that he benefits directly from reducing my overall anxiety, but I wonder if it’s a good deal for me if he offers it so easily.

I did not want to leave that discussion with you assuming I do not know what I am doing.

I have no idea how I feel about him right now.  I know I am hurt.  I think he’s an asshole.  I wonder what the fuck I am doing with him.