I have been a little twisted this week.
I was annoyed with BFD after Monday’s lengthy, intense conversation. I know that it was for my benefit. I know his heart was in the right place. I know he just wants to help me be successful. I know he is suspicious of BP and whether he is a man of integrity.
In short, BFD demonstrated the care and concern as anyone who knows me very, very well would, except he does not know me that well.
On Tuesday morning, I was a bit more annoyed when I called to clarify and he was cold. It was sort of understandable since he was in the middle of his work morning and I know enough (usually) to not roust the bear while he’s hibernating in his cave, but not good.
On Tuesday afternoon, I discovered BFD’s ex-girlfriend on the insurance card for the car. It made me feel a little weird about the whole thing . . . like maybe that’s his move. Also, I was not aware he had been in that serious of a relationship that ended, at earliest, about 10 months ago (or 6 months before we met).
It’s difficult because the whole revelation does not fit with my relationship with him or with how it began or how we feel about each other. It does not fit, and it does not make any sense. She is a very different type of person than I am — much older, less serious, less sophisticated. Now, it is possible it was not his girlfriend at all, but she had lived in his last town and then moved to this one, so she is either his ex or an employee. The revelation had me immediately rethink everything.
We are so close in so many ways. We were so instantly comfortable with each other. We were so instantly connected to each other. It has always been a physical connection, an intellectual connection, a philosophical connection. Now it is also becoming an emotional connection.
When I take a step back, I know that things are improving between us, but I am still not over being hurt by our long separation and his withdrawal from me at key points.
I have been going back and forth about everything, evaluating whether this is working for me, evaluating whether I am happy enough when I am with him to tolerate the absences, whether I am willing to keep waiting for his schedule to settle back down, whether he did enough early on to overcome some of these rough spots.
I am taking advantage of the days we are apart to go out and have fun with my friends. I went to dinner and drinks with everyone last Friday and out with K on Sunday. I went out with BP on Tuesday before the ice storm hit.
I went to a big party last night and practiced my pitch for the new business. (I tried out different versions and sadly felt most comfortable with the one I like, which is not the one BP wants me to use . . . and I know he’s right.) I spoke with my new friend L (who was the woman on a date with N when I accidently picked him up). She is falling for someone she met online and it sounded so much like my early days with BFD. She reminded me of how much I glowed and beamed when speaking about him at our NYE party. In fact, it’s one of the reasons he gave online dating another shot.
I went with W, who is always a riot. We circulated through, often surrounded by people, and were pondering bouncing to another event when I glanced over and saw this very attractive guy, who we’ll call M. I saw him working the room a couple of times and eventually he wandered over and positioned himself between me and W. M worked into the conversation and it turns out that W and M are friends.
M and I spent at least 90 minutes together on our own as W continued to work the room and we tried to stay out of traffic, unsuccessfully. He offered to buy me a drink, which I declined for club soda (since I was driving BFD’s car). We had a blast. I told him all of my cute anecdotes and worked in a couple of new ones. We were inseparable throughout the evening, until I decided I was starving and needed to leave. I was not necessarily flirting with him so much as practicing all of my bar and first date chat, which is something I do.
He thought he knew me, so we tried to figure out any commonalities. Facebook never occurred to us, but that’s how he knew who I was (thanks to “people you may know”) and how I knew him. It was the same with someone else who stepped in later who said “how do I know you?” I recognized him immediately from Facebook. I am relatively pretty, so I can see why they would have noticed me. They were both handsome, which is why I noticed them.
W said to me later over our very late dinner that he was thinking of inviting M to our superbowl party to which I am bringing BFD. I immediately said, “uh, I think he’s a really great looking guy.” W agreed with me. I repeated it again, with a slightly different emphasis. W said, hey, if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. Yeah, awesome W, bring the hot guy to a party where I will be with my boyfriend, who is still an unknown quantity for my friends.
It’s not that I am thinking about dumping BFD because I am not. It’s not that I am not crazy about BFD because I am (and I even told him that on Monday — his response, which had followed a refrain of my not wanting him to think I am stupid or crazy regarding the business talk, “okay, now I think you’re crazy”). I just thought bringing together the guy I am currently seeing with a guy I would consider seeing would be a bad, bad idea.
That these thoughts have crossed my mind means I am already taking a step back from BFD. I am not making any decisions. I am not making any choices. I am not going out on any dates. I am not even flirting with other men. But, the thought has crossed my mind, which it had not, even during the long separation.
I am aware that I am holding him at a bit of a remove this week. The closer we get, the more important it is to think through all of these things clearly. E said to me in an email yesterday that “very little that you have told me about your relationship with [BFD] leads me to believe that it is a healthy relationship for you.” While I do not agree with him (though my mother sort of does), it is another reason to keep thinking and rethinking.