In the four months since my first date with BFD, the Best First Date Ever, we have had our ups and downs. He keeps making these big, important moves (wanting to cosign and subsidize a car lease for me, for example) and then he neglects to call when he says he will about 100% of the time.
To me, everything still feels so tenuous, though everyone seems to think we’re in love.
Last night, E posted a photo of us and 3 others to facebook. BFD is only “friends” with me, so until E tagged me this morning, BFD could not see it. Because E did not tag BFD, I thought about doing so for like 30 minutes.
BFD is so private on facebook that the only photos he has are of himself alone and he eventually deletes everything people write on his wall. (He has comments from two women this week, including someone with whom he went to high school who is being a little flirty and it’s pissing me off.) All of his “friends” are business associates, high school classmates, foundation board members, or family.
The photograph would make it clear to everyone that we are in a relationship. We are sitting with other people, but I am nestled into his body, his arm is behind me, and my hand is on his thigh. It is actually quite intimate. I was pleased to see we look really great together.
This is a man I have been dating for four months and I cannot decide whether to out us to his “friends.” It’s ridiculous.
I also debated whether to use “we” in a comment on the photo, although I eventually did. You would think that since we are exclusive and have been that all of this would be somewhat resolved. To me, there is just still a lot of uncertainty.
Rather than tagging him, I emailed him the picture. I was so crazy about the whole thing I downloaded it and studied it for clues. No, really.
Then, I tortured JerkFace about my craziness. I told him I was “irritated with myself for my inability to process whether or not we’re actually in a relationship.” JF responded: “you are joking right?”
Since we met, he has felt like my boyfriend and we are very open and honest with each other about everything in our lives except the relationship that we’re in. About the relationship, we’re reticent. I have no idea how he feels about me. I do know he loves the sex, and I know we’re friends, and that when we are together it’s great. We’re just not together more than once a week.
Yes, even as I type this, I know how crazy it all sounds.
I think of the time we spend together and I know we’re solid. I know then how much he likes me. How much he enjoys being with me. How much of himself he is with me. (Plus, he is willing to take on a foolish financial obligation for my benefit that will tie us together for 18 months.)
When we’re apart, it’s hard. It’s harder when we’re apart and I am beset by crisis or illness or, like this week, both. I suppose that is the bottom line. When we’re connected in person or through regular contact, then I am fine. When we’re apart and there is a significant contact gap, I slowly freak out and question everything.
All of this freakout because I could not decide whether to tag him on a damn photo and out him to his family, business associates, and friends as my boyfriend.