Last week was among the hardest weeks I have endured (in which no one close to me died): (1) I had a financial crisis that needed the emergency intervention of friends/family to resolve; (2) I was running a fever of up to 5 degrees over normal for days; and (3) BP and I ended our partnership, leaving me essentially jobless, prospectless, and hopeless.
Today, now that I am feeling physically better, I got to deal with all of the emotional wreckage.
For the most part, I am wrecked. I cried a lot this afternoon, realizing I have no idea how I am going to recover financially or meet my obligations or fund my business.
I spoke with BP at length who, by his own admission, beat up on me a bit. I am not someone who responds well when attacked. Instead, I just think you’re now part of the problem. I know there are lots of people who are able to take directed negativity to force positive action. I don’t work that way. I respond really well to positive reinforcement and extremely poorly to “tough love.”
By the end of the afternoon, BP figured that out and again was back championing me as the fabulous, dynamic person I am. He was outlining all of the personal things he intended to do to help me achieve my potential, which he spent an hour telling me he would never do just hours before. The bottom line is that BP wants to do things with/for me but because he wants to do them, not because I need him to. Or something. It’s all rather mindfucky.
The bottom line is that we’re back to being friends and he has made it clear we are not partners (and not lovers [uh, no shit, I have a boyfriend or whatever BFD is, depending upon how I feel at that particular moment]). I am cool with all of that since he will still make certain investments in the business, while still including me in longer term deals. Yes, this sort of means that nothing has really changed. Well, what has actually changed is the expectation of support.
Amusingly, he still wants to do personal things for me, just ones he chooses. It’s a power thing for him, of course. He wants to improve certain things for me, but he has no interest in helping me get out of my admittedly meager debt.
He also told me that BFD seems like a really good guy. Yes, he is. No one can figure out why I am not talking to BFD about everything I am dealing with. It’s all so toxic I just want to keep him as far from the emergency until I am okay. Once I am okay, I will tell him how terrible it was, but I cannot bring him into it. Could he make my life easier? Of course. Would he? Who knows. Sure, he could provide short-term relief, but it is too important to me for him to understand and respect me, and I’d rather just wait.
I feel as though I have lost so much already, I just do not want to risk losing him, too. I do not know that I would, but it’s not a good risk for me.
As I look over the emotional wreckage, I am actually hopeful. BP explained exactly what he will and will not do to help. We are back to being friends. I am going to make overtures to JF and E, to help rebuild there. I actually think JF and I are okay. W and I are definitely okay; we even had lunch Sunday afternoon. E? Who knows.
This week, my business launches. We have a name. I think we have a location. We have a mission. We are approving advertising. I say “we” but this is all me. BP is there, paying for the financial outlays and helping with the marketing and advertising and serving as a consultant if I need him, but it’s me.
The last seven days have challenged me in ways I was not prepared to handle. I have gotten very good at putting out fires, but never before have I had to manage personal, emotional, financial, and professional disasters simultaneously. I am still nursing my wounds and will be for a while.