It’s been a rough 10 days and I am far from resolution on anything.

I am struggling to remain positive in the face of the potential crushing peril I am facing.  At the same time, I am aware that I am close to being saved.  So, I am stuck — facing down peril, knowing safety is close, and trying desperately not to freak the fuck out.

It is freaking out last week that so dramatically changed my life in very, very bad ways.  I freaked out, and BP got pissed and chose not to honor any of his obligations to me and our new business, which is now my new business.

My relationship with BP is the single most important friendship I have.  He accused me in a long, difficult discussion on Monday of “emotionally kneecapping” him by insisting that I understand that he is withdrawing from my life.

Now, I can be extremely manipulative and I can be very calculating in what I do and do not say, so I know for a fact I was not intentionally trying to hurt him.  In fact, I rarely intentionally hurt people.  I have, but rarely, and certainly not in this case. Still, his perception damaged further our already damaged relationship.

The bottom line, though, is that we still have a relationship.  I do know that BP would not allow me to starve, to lose my home, etc.  I know this.  He knows this.   I also know he wants me to be uncomfortable right now.  He also wants to carefully demarcate what had been our romantic relationship from our business relationship and our friendship.  As a result, I am suffering more than I had anticipated since he pulled his investment from our business.  I have had to rethink what I am doing, and how.  Interestingly, he has been handing over some good business referrals, so he is still helping and he is still willing to pay some of the business expenses.  He also wants to pay some of my personal expenses, but at his discretion.

It is very painful and very scary.  We are barely speaking, though he swears we are speaking daily and that he checks on me, which he does.  If he goes 8 hours without hearing from me (like yesterday), he gets all concerned.

BFD, on the other hand, is underground.  I called him Monday, received a car-oriented email on Tuesday, called him Tuesday, and that’s it.  No substantive contact since he left.  I miss him, but that is waning.  I know how stressed he is because of work, and I know that he is not enjoying his trip.  We have no plans to see each other.  We have no plans for Valentine’s Day (he is still scheduled to be away).  I know what he should do, but I expect nothing from him.  If we were closer, speaking more often, etc., I would have said, “look, I think you should do something.”  But, we’re not.  

He lives in his own head, I live in reality, and I miss the guy I was dating before the holidays.  

This guy is trying, but it’s not the same as doing the little things to strengthen what we have.  Of course, he may assume that the commitment he is making to me far outweighs time-inhibited regular calls, and he’s probably right.  But I miss getting to know him.  There is still so much I want to ask him about his life, and I shouldn’t still wonder these things after 4 months.  I also wonder if we have missed some important developmental window and whether we’re now stuck in “dating” zone, never to advance.  I know that sounds silly, since he says he is looking down the road, down the calendar, but I miss him now.

My weight is just below 113, but I am stabilizing it by significantly upping my carb intake with roasted chickpeas, baby carrots.  I am considering adding in edamame and lentils.  I am also considering drinking wine regularly, but at this point, I am just trying to maintain and not lose more.

I am trying to relax and work hard and make progress in every aspect of my life.  I do feel that I have a bit more control, and I am holding my sense of crushing despair at bay.

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