BP and I are not getting along very well.  I think he started to fall in love with me and got all weird about it.  What I absolutely know:  he was insulted when I, in his mind, demanded his help on a personal financial matter.  I did not.  Or at least I think I did not.  It was a horrible day and I was bereft.  

We spoke for over an hour this afternoon and it was still all emotional.  I kept saying, I understand you’re not doing anything for me.  He kept saying, well, do you want me to pay for your car or your office?  He also kept telling me that he was probably going to handle my big stressful thing, but I could not expect him to do it. It was all fucked up and awful, but once we concluded, I began to understand.

He is not abandoning me, he just does not want to be expected to support me.  He also wants me back, sorta, but understands I am still with BFD (for now).  

(He also thinks BFD should be stepping up to help support me financially with the car.  Uh, no.  He’s already offering to cosign and pay half.  That’s more than enough for someone I am not sure I am staying with.)

Now, if BP were just a man I had been dating, then I would totally understand why he would not want to support me.  But, he is not.  He is, in fact, my long-time business partner.  Our project failed and I have been representing him, essentially for free, for years.  He is the only person who can make me feel like a whore for wanting to be paid for work I do.  We had a disagreement over my fee for a deal.  He is paying me a meager sum that I had requested, but he was such an asshole about it, which I told him.

And yet, I do love this man.  Worse yet, he loves me.  We’re just not good together.  We’re too close for his comfort.  He pushes me too hard and wants me to learn lessons by suffering.  He also wants me to not suffer.  It’s very scattered and horrible.

From here, I have no idea what this year will bring.  My relationship with him is impacted greatly by everything else in my life.  I wish it were not true, but it is.  The better things are with BFD, the worse they are with BP.  I suppose it’s good that things with BFD are a bit rocky now, too.

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