BFD is suddenly re-engaged in our relationship, which I find charming and a bit disconcerting.

He shot me a series of texts starting at 3:48 this afternoon, checking on me and making it clear he really wants to talk.  He is having a bad day and he reached out.  He also asked to talk tonight.

I did something unusual for me in this relationship — I invited him over.  I know he is working out downtown, so I let him know that he was welcome to come by.  I doubt he received the message before he left, but I will be ready to see him, just in case.  It sucks that we live so far apart that he cannot just drop by when he wants to see me and I cannot just drive out to see him, being currently carless.  His scheduled workouts put him in town, and we have often taken advantage of my proximity to his gyms.  (Yes, gyms.  He is insane.)

I am not a difficult woman to keep happy.  I have a history of dating wildly successful men and I tend to be extremely busy, so I am comfortable with his travel, his training regimen, and his constant work.  I respect what he does and how he does it.  I give him space.

Often, I wonder if I give him too much space.  I just cannot imagine being whiny about not getting to see him.  He sees me when he can.  We talk when we have time.  Lately, though, I have been missing him terribly.  Things for me have been bad and he has been absent.  He does not know how bad, but I will probably tell him.

As time has passed, I am rather confident that I will not see him tonight, which is definitely for the best.  I am doing some job hunting and I received an excellent posting about a job for which I am uniquely qualified.  It’s hard to leave behind the life I have built and the interesting career I have, but thanks to the economy, I am currently poor.  I cannot help but consider involving BFD in the decisions I am making about my career.  At this point, my career benefits our relationship in everything but money.  I am able to do my job from anywhere and I am not tied here.  Assuming BFD and I stick together, flexibility is more important than money.  That does not mean I would pick a job based on him or for the benefit of our relationship, but it does mean he would be a part of the conversation.

Our relationship is difficult because we are difficult and our circumstances are difficult.  It has felt rocky and uncomfortable lately, but now it seems that he’s back and involved.  I cannot wait to see him tomorrow.  It’s been 10 days since I have seen him, and two and a half weeks since we’ve had sex.  

It is possible we will still figure this out and continue to make it work.   It is never easy.  What we have is respect, enthusiasm, and support for each other.  We have been comfortable since the beginning.  I would have never thought 4.5 months in that so much would still feel so uncertain, but it is rocky and rough.  The only thing that has been smooth has been our overwhelming feeling that we’re supposed to be together, that we have been together forever.  Now, I just hope that we get keep that feeling of comfort, of connectedness, of togetherness, even when we are apart.

Advertisements