I have been struggling with my weight since the beginning of February when I lost 4 pounds in two days while ill.  My weight dropped from 115 to 111.

Since then, I have been trying to put weight back on.  I have eaten a pound of french fries along with real lemonade, chips and queso along with half a pitcher of sugary margs.   I made an enormous bowl of buttered popcorn on Tuesday.  I have been drinking juice.  Still, I have been at 112-113.

After last night’s chinese food, which was rather carb and salt-heavy, I gained 2.2 pounds.  (I also have pms.)  I am eating leftovers today, so I should keep the weight gain going.  I am even making what can only turn out to be terrible rice, since I have not cooked it in at least 18 months.  Last night, I wandered through BFD’s kitchen and saw one of those fuzzy logic rice cookers on the counter.  I look forward to telling him I suck at rice making. 

Interestingly, BFD seemed to like my skinnier body, though he had objected when I had told him the number on the phone.  Four pounds on my frame is a lot of weight to lose and the difference is obvious.  The shift down from 118 is the most obvious.  Bouncing between 112 and 115, my face still looks healthy (though thin), and I am obviously a size 2.  One benefit: my breasts look enormous.

I am going to stop trying to gain weight.  Clearly, this is a healthy size for me.  Despite my best efforts, I have kept under 115.  I have not been ill.  I do not feel weak.  I still cannot open heavy doors, but that was consistent at every weight for me.

Trying to reverse my weight loss has been extremely difficult.  Apparently, the answer was “chinese food.”

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Yes, I thought about not making this post public because I know it’s obnoxious to read “I’m too thin!  OMG!  How can I possibly gain weight?!!!”  But, this is my journal and I have body image problems.  I am trying to keep myself honest and this is another element of my life.  It is a difficult subject for me since I know I have successfully lost 45 pounds, which was more than 12 more than I meant to lose.  Stopping has been hard, but the shocking weight loss to 111 sent up warning signs for me that I have to stop.

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