As the result of today’s conversation, I now know I am completely in control of my relationship with BFD. I knew that all it would take was “being excellent in [his] presence.” He needed to see me as professionally successful in order to want to move forward. We are not just dating, we’re figuring out if we want to get married.
The start of our relationship coincided with the global financial crisis. Throughout our relationship, I have been struggling financially: my big deal collapsed, all of my business dried up, BP dropped his financial support, and everything in my life fell apart.
BFD, as I have mentioned before, is wealthy. He is completely self-made, extremely careful with money, a bit of a control freak, and very anxious about being taken advantage of. He is slow to trust, with good reason. (He is also an incredibly kind, sensitive man.)
I have been a very successful professional from a young age. I have had some impressive career achievements. The last six months damaged me in a lot of ways and my self-esteem and self-confidence took a huge hit . . . which is impressive since I am a narcissist who believes — and often announces — that I am, in fact, awesome.
I have not felt that BFD has seen the real me. When I think about it, I do wonder why we are together. There have been glimpses, but I never feel as though he has seen me be fully myself — the woman BP fell for, the woman the Alternate Reality waxes on about. Maybe he has and I am discounting some of our interactions — maybe he sees me — but there are times when I just think it’s because of the great sex.