I left date 15 on Saturday night feeling awkward and uncomfortable. There was distance between us, so I decided that if it were just all about sex, I would certainly enjoy myself while I look for a new guy.
(Now would be a good time to mention that I am still suffering from pms, from a period that is about 10 days late, thanks to my dramatic illness-caused weight loss.)
On Sunday morning, I shot BFD an email inviting him over post-gym, by which I meant, hey, why don’t you drop by so we can have sex when you’re downtown. He declined within two minutes, and filled me in on an error in something technical he told me last night. I responded back a couple of hours later, letting him know why I thought he made sense in the first place, mentioning a location I thought we should try, and then telling him why I was taking the weekend off.
Within a minute, he responded maybe we could get together this afternoon and made a very specific request. To say I was excited, well, it was pretty much all I could think about. Still I played it cool and responded back 10 minutes later to let him know that’s what I was alluding to initially. I emailed him at 4-ish to say I was back from my workout and everything was set.
He called me at 6. I told him that I had done as he requested. I teased him that I follow directions well, and he said that would come in handy. I reminded him it already had.
He expressed a tremendous amount of frustration about how hard he was working “for no reason.” He explained what he needed to have happen business-wise and how anxious he was about it. I was quiet and said, well, i am sorry it’s so bad and i hope it happens as you need it to. He apologized for not coming over this afternoon. We discussed whether he could get away for a little while and realized he really could not. He said, okay, I will talk to you later. I said does that mean you want me to call you tomorrow . . . or tonight?
I could hear him smile as he said, “well, tonight would be good.”
I know “ tonight would be good” seems like a minor thing, but I realized that I was so very wrong when I thought this was just about sex. I began writing him an email I did not send, letting him know that on an evening like this, in the future, I would be coming out there to make dinner for him.
I felt immediately nurturing towards him in a way I do not know I have felt before. I just wanted to take care of him, to do what little I could to help keep him going. I realized at that moment that we are truly in this together, that he is working this hard to further secure his future (and possibly mine), and that with me, his life should be easier, more comfortable, more nurtured.
This emotion was just overwhelming me. It all just clicked: what we’re really doing and how important our relationship really is to us. I realize that the stupid thoughts I have been thinking are in my head. If he did not want to be with me, we would not continually go through all of this trouble to be together.
I called him back a little after 10. He was still working. I told him what I had been thinking, that I would come out there and cook for him on some night when he is slammed and I am free. I told him that I thought he should be eating better. He said, oh, so not burgers all the time? No, sweetie. I even mentioned that if he were really, really nice to me, I would cook his favorite meal, which he told me about on Saturday, and get a recipe from my aunt, whose family restaurant serves it.
He was so happy to hear what I was saying that it’s hard to describe the pleasure I heard in his voice at the idea that I want to cook for him, to care for him. He said that he makes the best version of the dish, so I told him I look forward to that, but in the meantime, I love to cook and he should be eating better.
This small exchange spoke volumes about how we actually feel about each other . I am not certain I have ever felt as connected to him emotionally, as certain that I want to care for him. The only place I wanted to be last night was in his kitchen, doing what little I could to keep him going. I felt like we were partners and I just wanted to tangibly support him.
I do not remember the transition, but he asked me an important fundamental question constructed in a way I had never heard from him before: “how would you feel if your husband …” I said, well, if my husband wouldn’t mind his wife also doing it, I am fine with it. He said, well, how would you feel if your husband did [much bigger deal]. I said, well, that would not be acceptable, but we would talk about. He said, well, why is it different? I said in a marriage the second thing is a bigger deal. He mentioned that for some people, the first thing can be a problem. I said, sure, anything can be, but I haven’t found that to be the case. I asked why he was asking and he said it was a much longer story, too long to tell now. I asked for the headline, and he said, really, it’s too long to go into right now. I said, is this a problem for you (meaning something you personally struggle with)? He said, no, it’s not a big deal.
He has never asked me anything like that ever, and never anything using the phrase “ your husband.” It was a test of some sort, in the sense that every important thing is a test in a still fairly new relationship where we are trying to figure out if we want to marry each other. I do not know if I passed, but I think I did. I am nonjudgmental. He went a little moralistic, saying, for example, there are certain things he would never invest in because he would not want his (currently nonexistent) daughter involved in them. Okay, that makes sense.
We ended the conversation a couple of minutes later, as we were sort of winding up to say goodnight. He said, “I am not good at saying goodbye, so um, I will talk to you tomorrow.” I laughed and said, goodnight, sweetheart. ‘
We speak nightly, so now he is not good at saying goodbye?
Honestly, it feels like we’re in love all of a sudden. Really. That was the impression I had. It feels like we’re in love.
At some point, I will reflect back on when this all changed. It has changed. Something is definitely different. Not just different from Saturday to today. It’s different overall.