I am spending the day working from bed.  It’s a busy day, but I am in pain.  My very late period finally arrived this morning, right it time to screw up my plans for the week.  Awesome!

Finance  

I have money.  Not a ton of money, but I am independent.  I had two really big bills come in the past two days, and I paid them, by myself.  I have enough left to do all of the expensive car stuff: registration, insurance, car payments [well, my 1/2 payment, which is not insignificant], get my hair done/brows waxed, pay all of my condo stuff, get groceries, see a movie, etc.  I am comfortable for the first time in a long time.

It’s a strange feeling, knowing I have done all of this completely without BP.  When he pulled his investment in our company (and my financial safety net), I freaked out completely.  Then, I got to work.  Business is coming in, slowly, but I am making money. 

Career

My career is simultaneously on two tracks: my law practice and my other business.  

My law practice is what sustains me now.  It’s relatively small money and it takes a lot of time and effort, but it is becoming a steady trickle.  It is sustainable.

My other business has elements that involve BP, still.  We are not in 100% agreement on everything, but he has finally decided to launch the business as I wanted it.  What is different: he told me that he can deliver finally on a long-discussed project with a retainer that would support me easily for 24 months.  I am not fully committed to the other business until he delivers, which he said he could do in 15 days.  I repeated back to him, so you’re saying by March 18, we could have this in place?  

If he can do that, I am in.  If he can’t, I am independent from him and I am doing okay.

BFD has offered me a project to do for him, from which I could earn on contingency a little under half of the BP-related retainer, still not an insignificant sum of money for me (but like what he spends in a month).  It’s a little awkward for us, but I am willing to do it and he wants me to.

Exercise

I rode the trainer yesterday morning, while watching hulu.  This morning, I did some low impact aerobics for 25 minutes.  I am trying to take it easy and not overdo it, since my foot is still hurting.

Body Image

Still a daily struggle.  I feel fat and bloated if I get to 114.  I had dinner with BP last week and he said, you look great, your profile looks much better since you lost most of that fat under your neck.  A couple of more pounds and you could lose it all.  I was appalled.  I said to him, yelled, actually, “what the fuck is wrong with you?  why would you say that to someone who you KNOW has issues?”  He also commented that I need to firm up my calves.

I said to him, more calmly this time, “motherfucker, you know I have a problem with this, so your comments are actually detrimental.  Telling me I should lose another 2 pounds, when I already weigh 15 pounds less than what you consider to be my ‘best weight?  How does this help?'”  He said, well 128 is your best weight, but you look fine now and a couple of pounds less and tightened up, you would look better.  

Unbelievable.  He’ also full of shit.  I see him more clearly as the underminer he is.

Romance

I called BFD last night but did not hear back from him.  Emailed him late, no response.  That’s not a good sign for him and how he is doing, but it is meaningless in terms of our relationship.  I am absolutely crazy about him and pondering inviting him home for Easter.  I cannot imagine he would come, but I think I want him to know he is that guy to me.

I realize that some of our wall was because I kept holding him at arm’s length and refused to open up to him.  Now that I am telling him how I feel, demonstrating that I am his girlfriend and that we are a team, things have been rapidly improving.  Yes, he did not call me back last night, but I know he’s extremely busy and stressed.  I reach out to him to let him know I am thinking about him, not because I expect to hear back from him.  

Overall

I am amazed at how stupid I can be.  Most of the issues in my life can be directly tracked back to my unwillingness to fight for what I want.  I am so used to being around such strong men, that I often let them take the lead.  I follow, backwards and in heels.  

By stepping up on my own, performing solo, if you will, I am getting what I want.  It takes me out of my comfort zone and makes me vulnerable, but that’s how it has to be.  It reminds me of my discussion with the Alternate Reality last week: part of my charm is my independence.  With BFD, I am often too nervous of making a mistake to tell him what I really want.

Now that my finances are improving, I feel more confident making invitations to him — since I can also pay.  I can tell him places I want to go because I am back to being independent.  It is influencing everything in my life right now and I think that’s why I feel such marked improvement in every aspect of every relationship I have.

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