I am very formal and I respect protocol.
As he headed off for a week of training with his coaches, BFD said to me from his cab on Sunday to get the car key from his assistant. I emailed him on Monday and followed up to ask if I should call her to arrange a time. No response.
Now, everyone in the world would know to just call the assistant, despite no official approval to do so.
For me, this was extremely emotional. I calculated the potential damage incurred with BFD if he considered me overstepping, the potential embarrassment over having to explain exactly who I am to someone he sees more often than he sees me (and has an office in his house), and the potential anger BFD might direct at me for not getting the damned car. I decided not to call, though I acknowledged I was being an idiot about each of these things except the last one (he really would be pissed at me for not getting the car after he told me to get the key from her).
I spoke with my mother and with W about other things and each asked if I yet had the car. I did not. They took the same tack, basically: “What the fuck is wrong with you? Call her! It’s better to irritate the assistant than to irritate him.” They each continued, “What makes you think she does not know who you are? You’re his girlfriend!!!” Well, if nothing else, I have been dating him for months and I do speak to him nearly every day.
Since they were right and I was being stupid, I called BFD’s office. Twice. She did not pick up the calls. Early on, she picked up my calls, but I have only gotten him or voicemail when I have called there for months . . . because I am his girlfriend and I am obviously calling for personal reasons.
The title issue is an issue only in my own head and it’s an issue determining how committed I am to the relationship. That’s the fucked up part of this. I have such serious commitment issues that I debated whether to do the car deal or the business deal with him because I was not certain I wanted to be committed to him in any way. He wants to do the car deal because I wanted to get a car and he does not need that one — he’s even paying half of it, remaining the primary person, and just adding me to the contract. He wants to do the business deal not because he needs what I do (he doesn’t), but because it could put up to 40k in my pocket for very little work. The business side of him gets a little anxious about our doing the deal because it is unnecessary and he hates to expose his model to anyone new (not including me, we’ve spoken about it at length many, many times), but the side that cares for me wants to give me money without giving me money because he knows the last few months have been rough for me financially. That’s who he is and what he is doing to help my life be a little easier.
My issues are not a function of who he is or how he feels about me . . . it’s who I am and how I feel about him.
I continue to hold him at arm’s length, I have problems being vulnerable with him, and I am terrified about doing something wrong with him. He tells me that we’re fine. And we are. Even when we’re cranky, even when we’re angry at each other, we’re still fine. I like to think it’s because he doesn’t really care, but I know he does. I care, too.
I am on the cusp of falling head over in heels in love with this man, but that scares the hell out of me. I am constantly afraid that I am misreading things, that I am wrong, that he’s not really there too. I think of him and I think he’s too busy, he’s too much of a narcissist, he’s too inside his own head to really be in this with me. But he is. There are much easier relationships he could be in. I travel randomly with indefinite returns, I work very hard, I get cranky and moody and stressed out, and I have been depressed and withdrawn. He is exactly the same, which is not a winning combination.
But we’re still together, and we’re still in this. Yes, he’s aloof. Yes, he can be a bit of an asshole. Yes, he can bit a bit domineering. Despite all of that, I am actually crazy about him.
I had a long talk with BP this afternoon. BP knows me better than anyone. He loves me, he admires me, he sees potential in me to do wonderful things. He told me I am a beautiful person and one of the most extraordinary women he has ever known. He knows what I really want — to help people achieve their goals and to be financially solvent — and knows my big secret: I do not care at all about money. He knows I know how to handle having a lot of money and having no money. He knows I just want to be happy, free from stress.
He knows all of this about me and more. We spoke for a long time. He is sort of obsessed with my relationship with BFD. He thinks that the fact I get all dramatic and tortured about him means I am in love with him. I denied it. BP asked me for a lot of details about how things were going with BFD and I refused. I teased him, “why would I tell my secret boyfriend about my actual boyfriend?”
BP said he supports me in whatever I do and wants me to be happy, even if it is with BFD. He did tell me that he understands exactly why I with BFD, what things about BFD I find so appealing, and he certainly understands why BFD is with me.
As we finished talking, I realized how much I missed BFD. I really did. I had spent all of this time talking about him and my feelings for him and I realized I missed him so much.
I did something I had not thought about doing while he is training: I called BFD and left a voice mail saying (as brightly as possible): I miss you but I am glad you’re there and I , it’s going really well. I felt good about calling him because I wanted him to hear my voice and know that I am thinking about him.
I was shocked that he called me back within a minute. He sounded exhausted but happy. He told me how things were going and it’s exactly what he needed. He hurt his knee here before he left, but confirmed it’s not a reinjury from the fall. He’s making great progress. He asked how things were going here, so I hit the highlights. Then I touched on our business thing and he said, hey, I definitely want to talk to you about it, but I have all of my gear to bring in so let me call you tonight. (I doubt he will . . . we’re in different time zones and by the time he thinks of it, he will know it’s too late.)
Yeah, after all that, I forgot to tell him about the car.