BFD spent the week with his coaches training for his sport. I spoke with him briefly on Wednesday. I texted him on Thursday about his assistant and then texted him about what K and I discussed over dinner (it was part of a conversation we had last weekend).

On Friday, he sent a photo to me (and others) of him training. It looked perfect and I could tell that he was able to achieve his primary goal for the week.

That’s the last i heard from him.

I called him on Sunday, but I do not know if he is back or not. I don’t really care.

Though I am crazy about BFD, I am back to holding him at arm’s length. I accept that we have made some compromises so far, but, I am not happy with how things are right now.


The car thing really aggravated me and he could have resolved it with a phone call, but he did not.

Yes, he called and spoke to me wednesday, which has never happened when he has been training or competing. Our relationship has been improving markedly over the past few of weeks. We are seeing each other more frequently, speaking daily, and things have been more solid.

But, now, I am unhappy.

My feelings here — aggravation, frustration, hurt — do not mean I want to break up with him, because I don’t. But it may mean I decide to tell him I am not happy. I kept thinking this afternoon that maybe we need to take a break. I need to get my head right and he needs to clear his calendar.

We went through something similar when we nearly broke up/took a break/whatever in January. He texted a series of messages saying that he wanted to not see me in January and then called me after he landed to invite me to dinner. We’ve been solidly together ever since.

I am feeling better and I do miss him, but I do not want our life together to be like this.

The better I feel about me, the better things go, the less likely I am to put up with his bullshit. I acknowledge that I give him a wide berth, I am very understanding, and I don’t call him out. I think that might be changing.

What I have been doing is evaluating whether he is the man I want to be with long-term. Because I am looking long-term, the daily tensions and aggravations are important, but not determinative. They factor in to my thinking and how I feel about him, but they are not enough of a reason for me to walk right now.

When things became rocky a couple of months ago, I decided to evaluate how I truly felt about him and watch quietly how things developed. Did they get better, as he said they would? Is it him or his calendar? Are things improving? Are we growing closer? Am I happy? Do I want this to be my life? Those are the questions I am considering.

I decided that I would give it about six months to figure out where we stand and how I feel. We are not quite there yet. Even if I decide he’s not the one, I may still date him for a bit. Frankly, the sex is too great to end things completely until absolutely necessary. I am comfortable dating other men without sleeping with them, as I have before, so BFD may remain in the picture.

I know a lot of this may seem passive, and I suppose that it is. I am watching and evaluating his behavior, his attitude, and our relationship. I am trying new things with him and gauging his response. I am paying attention to everything all the time. I am just not making any final decisions or drawing any ultimate conclusions. Things are still in flux. I do not know where we will be in two weeks or how I will feel about him in two days.

For now, we’re still together and I am in a relationship with him. I am not happy with him, and I am sure he knows it. When things like this happen, when he goes away for training (he missed the season with an injury he has been rehabbing), when he ignores me from afar, that pain remains when he returns. He knows it, too. He apologizes and always has to work 3 times as hard to make up for hurting me. He always does.

That cycle is unhealthy for me. I would prefer, of course, that he fucked up less in the interim.

Next season, if I am still with him, I will travel with him. We had already discussed it. I have reasons for not traveling with him now and he is comfortable with the fact I am not with him, though I know he would prefer I were there.

That is still a long way off. I have lots to consider before then and lots of work to do on myself and on my business.

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