Dammit.

I have talked so much trash about how over BFD I am and how hardened towards him I feel for him neglect and the pain he has caused me.

Now, I am so giddy, it’s almost more than I can bear and I know I am going to have to face all of my friends while I try to pretend that you know, it’s cool, and meanwhile, dammit, I am right back in it.


BFD called as soon as he got in from his trip today to ask me to come over tonight. He said he was exhausted and asked if I would take a cab out to see him. I arrived at the appointed time, but my cabbie could not figure out the gate code system. I called BFD and he jumped in his car to meet me at the gate. I got out of the cab and found a pedestrian gate open, so I met him halfway.

Once we were in the living room, he pulled me on top of him on the sofa and began kissing me. Though we were both exhausted, we had incredibly energetic, yet tender sex. Our physical connection is so strong and our chemistry is just overwhelming. As I sit here, attempting to write about tonight, I am having a difficult time not thinking about every moment and every location.

After, we laid on the floor and talked about his injury, his training, and whether I should take it up. (His answer: “No. You would not have fun.”) He had his equipment downstairs, so I asked him some specific questions and reminded him that he had sent a pdf to me. He said, “no, I didn’t! That was for me.” I said, no sweetheart, you wanted me to understand how it worked, so you sent me a powerpoint presentation. He had the grace to be embarrassed.

He recommended we go for dinner where I had just been for lunch with W. I told him I had just been there, so he started reconsidering. We thought about delaying to watch a movie, but he decided he was famished.

He went upstairs to shut down his computer for the evening and we spoke a little while he was in his loft.

We headed off to the upscale chinese joint we love. As we headed there, he asked why chinese food was so unhealthy. I love that he’s so obsessed with such things. I told him every time I eat sushi, I put on 2 pounds of water. (And I do, I am so bloated right now.) I saw him roll his eyes at my statement, which is exactly what he should have done.

We sat in a booth in a section with no one else around and discussed an article he has been asked to write. We talked finance, economics, politics, etc. It was great. At a break in the conversation, I asked, “hey, want to come with me to Florida for a weekend in April?” I did not mention in Easter or family. His answer: “maybe.”

BFD has never said “maybe” to any question. He always says no if he’s not interested, without hesitation. Maybe feels like a big deal. Now he has to think about spending a weekend with me, which we’ve never done before. Maybe. I doubt sincerely we will get away for Easter, but maybe we can spend a weekend together somewhere.

As we left the restaurant — stuffed to the gills with our favorite chinese dish (again, he ate my food, this time by design) — we started talking calendar. Though we were five minutes from my place and 20 from his, he said, hey, do you want the [car]? We drove back to his place in his car and he walked me inside to get the keys, I thought.

He also looked around confused as I watched him ponder whether to give me a house key, he said to himself: “are there any other keys you need . . . uh, no . . .” as he flipped through his box of key chains (each car is separate, connected to nothing else, since they are those weird bulky push to start type keys). The car has his garage door clicker in it, so technically, I have access to his house. We both know it.

Instead of immediately walking me back out, he sat down on the sofa and we talked for a couple of minutes and then kissed a little. He told me he was cranky because he was tired and I reminded him he is always cranky. He hugged me close and laughed.

He walked me back to the garage and handed me the key. He kissed me again and we made plans for Friday. I know how hard it is to give up the car. He wants me to have it, but it still makes him crazy. He is so afraid something will happen to it.

I called him as soon as I walked in the door but I did not leave a message. I just wanted him to know that I and the car arrived safely. He called me back an hour later to say he had just seen I’d called since he’d been in the shower and was heading to bed. He appreciated that I called and we made plans to talk tomorrow.

All in all, a pretty routine BFD date . . . so why I am so smitten?

He keeps learning and incorporating all of his new knowledge into fixing problems before I have to talk to him about them. He knew he was wrong to have not called me to let me know he was coming back a day late and then leaving again within 8 hours, so he called as soon as he was back, after emailing his schedule the night before.

He made plans to see me though he was exhausted and stressed. We balanced it by my coming to see him.

I never once mentioned his assistant or the car. Instead, he offered it though we were basically at my house in his car. Again, he did the right thing without my saying a single word.

We are, as much as either of us is capable, a team. We are both so independent, but we are together and we are a couple.

I did have one big missed opportunity to let him know I am with him: he mentioned when he would be leaving Texas and I failed to say, where are we moving?

We made so much progress and everything feels so good and so strong. He actually thinks about this stuff when we’re apart and fixes it when we’re together.

Next goal: fewer fuckups . . . and fewer things that need fixing.

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